I Was Attacked by a Silverback Gorilla and Other Stuff

Salutations, friends. It’s been an extremely long time since I’ve written a blog post, therefore, this is going to be an extremely long blog post. I hope you’ll stick around until the end, but if not, thanks for stopping by, God bless you and support our troops. If you follow me on Facebook, then you sort of know what I’ve been up to lately. If you don’t follow me on Facebook, well then, you are seriously disturbed in the head. Shame, shame, shame on you. I’m incredibly proud of my husband. He ranked #4 in sales in his company’s division, so his company flew us down to Miami last week so he could receive an award and so we could discover that the city was swamped with lovers of techno for some kind of DJ festival. First and foremost, I’m terrified of flying. I had to stop off at the doctor … Continue reading

A Day in the Life of a Real Housewife: A Poem

I used to dabble in poetry back in high school- because that’s what tall, single nerds did. I just submitted this poem to a humor poetry contest because the prize is cold, hard cash. I’ll write a poem for cold, hard cash because this mama needs new palazzo pants. Hope you enjoy.   A Day in the Life of a Real Housewife   I’m certain the soundtrack to hell is identical to the sound of my screeching alarm Buzz buzz buzz at 6 am, get up-there are so many things to be done. I slowly shuffle to the bathroom like those people that wear house shoes in the grocery store Twice I nod off on the toilet and almost plummet to the cold floor. The mirror reveals a hideous woman that must have been assaulted in the night by her pillow Hair heading north, east and west, drooping eyes and cheeks that are jiggly … Continue reading

My Response to Hatington Post Comments

I’ve had several articles featured on Huffington Post in the last two months. In that short amount of time, I’ve learned that malicious trolls don’t solely frequent the underbelly of bridges. They frequent the Huffington Post comments section. They love it there. I’ve been introduced to some wonderful publicity and wonderful editors since I’ve had articles featured on HP. When my first post was published on the site, I was so excited that I almost simultaneously cried and urinated on myself. It was an amazing honor to have my words chosen for the Huff. I am still incredibly grateful and blessed that my writing/blogging career has grown so much over the last year, and I can certainly thank HP for a large part of that. But let’s get back to the trolls. I have endured bullying from total strangers that has nearly brought me to tears. My faith, my family, my parenting style and most recently-my advice as … Continue reading

The Mom Cafe: A Mama’s Love

I don’t even know how to put into words how I feel about my guest blogger this week. I am absolutely in love with Christine Carter of The Mom Café. She is the very person that proved to me that internet friendships do exist. We have laughed together, prayed together, and she has shown me true friendship- and I’ve never even met her. Her sweet spirit is exuded through her words and her blog is a wonderful place of encouragement and kindness. She is truly a blessing to me and I’m so proud to have her words on my blog today. Please read her precious story that I’m sure will hit home with you as it did with me- and then visit her blog here. You’ll be so glad that you did.   Mommy Come Love On Me!  “MOMMY!  Are you COMING?” As I scurry around the kitchen putting this away and that, trying to … Continue reading

As a Wife, I’m Guilty of These Five Mistakes (And You Probably Are, Too)

After writing I’m Guilty of These Five Parenting Mistakes (And You Probably Are, Too), I knew that I needed to write a post that pays homage to the major muck-ups that I make as a wife. Maybe I’ll also blog about the mistakes that I make as a rainbow loom maker, Turbo Tax user and fitted sheet folder. Seriously, when it comes to mistakes, I’m experienced on how to make them in all areas. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. It’s sometimes hard to believe that if our relationship were a person that it would be in the 7th grade, donning shiny braces and saying asinine things like “cray cray” and “totes.” Like all relationships, we’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve had arguments that ended with slamming doors and Michelin tires screeching down the driveway. We’ve declared our love and apologies over the phone once our tempers and transmissions cooled down. … Continue reading

First Blog Post Via My Phone

This post isn’t important like all of my other posts which contain serious life- changing information. It’s just that I downloaded a new WordPress app and wanted to see what it’s like to go all 22nd century and write a blog post from my phone.   I’ll attempt to add a photo now.  This is the nightstand in our hotel room. Look- a landline phone with real buttons. Antiques rock. This was my first blog post written on my phone. And my first blog post that really sucks. Okay, maybe my second really sucky post if you count that post where I got hyped up on NyQuil and talked about the dudes on American Pickers spooning in an armoir. I guess I could add the link to that post but I’m not that advanced with this app yet.  I’m done now.  Really.  Thanks.  … Continue reading

Flood of Emotion (and Water)

I haven’t posted in a while, but if you’ve been following me on any form of social media, then you are aware that my house recently flooded. You can imagine that having my furniture piled in a POD in my driveway takes precedence over blogging. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it does. Hence, the reason for my lack of posting. Last Friday, I stepped out of the shower to the sound of an angry geyser in my kitchen. I sprinted to my bedroom in a tattered bathrobe and a Turbie Twist to discover water pouring from my kitchen ceiling and our entire downstairs engulfed in H20. To make an incredibly long and nerve-wracking story short, I sprinted to the front yard in earlier mentioned tattered bathrobe and Turbie Twist to shut off the main water valve. My sopping wet hair nearly froze into the world’s freshest-smelling ice cube as I battled … Continue reading

Mamas Around the House: The Sounds of Silence

I don’t remember how I stumbled upon Liz and her blog, Mamas Around the House, but I’m certainly glad that I did! She is guest posting today and her story is definitely one that I (we all) can relate to. My children aren’t home as I’m typing this, but if they were, I would be hearing the chaotic noise of Rescue Bots obliterating the American Girl dolls, much to my daughter’s dismay and my son’s excitement. Read this great post and then check out Liz’s blog here! Happy Saturday!   The Sounds of Silence “Wee ooh wee ooh! I’m a fire truck! Watch out! *Crash, cardboard blocks fall to the ground* Oh no!” “Sage, leave the DVDs alone please.” “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” (the resulting scream from Sage who is thwarted in his efforts) “Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol we’ll be there on the double…” “Mumma, can you come play with me? Let’s be dinosaurs. Roar!” Stomp. Stomp. … Continue reading

I’ll Fly Away

My faithful readers all know that this is a “humor blog”. I rarely write about serious subjects or ones that produce tears, but as I was searching through my hard drive this afternoon for something or another, I came across the following short story that I wrote and was featured in Southern Writer’s Magazine last year. I decided to share it here. I hope you will enjoy. I’LL FLY AWAY My hands were weak and shaking, but I managed to hold the pocket mirror still enough to see the massive red pimple on my chin. It was a ridiculous surprise to see it flourishing there since I was 29 years old, and I’d never had a blemish in my life. I sighed in disgust and threw the small mirror to the foot of the plush bed where my mother’s old Cocker Spaniel startled from his sleep and yawned while looking at … Continue reading

I’m Guilty of These Five Parenting Mistakes (And You Probably Are, Too)

Despite my Three is the New Two post that discusses the difficulties that I sometimes have with my absolutely normal strong-willed toddler, both of my children are typically well behaved. They use their manners 98.9% of the time and they’ve never stolen from the treasure box at school or set fire to anything of importance. I think this means that my husband and I have done a pretty fine job in raising them. However, I make mistakes. I’m completely aware that I make mistakes. I don’t need other parents telling me what mistakes I make, because I already know. You don’t need me telling you what mistakes you make, either, but you probably make these. 1. You Dropped A Bomb on Me Although I’ve been a mother for nearly a decade, I still haven’t managed to completely shake that cursing habit that I picked up back in high school. If I drop the Pyrex dish of meatloaf on the floor, “Oh golly … Continue reading