Some Words and a Picture of Me Being Attacked by Mayflies in the Tanning Bed

Did you like the name of this post? Of course you did. That’s why you are here.

Down here in Kissin’ Cuzin’ Country, Mayflies are being grade-A buttholes. They are MAY-flies. According to my calculations, it is April. Are they so concerned with the Mayans prediction of the world coming to an end that they’ve decided to come out early and raise a little hell?

These bastards are the size of small birds. They are everywhere. EVERY. WHERE. I killed 14 in my house last night. Two were mating above my bed. While flying.

My husband watched in awe.

Hey, at least they had enough sense to mate in the bedroom instead of some weird place like the kitchen. For you men out there, mating in the kitchen is NEVER a good suggestion, sweetheart. We slice our children’s apples on that kitchen counter. Ugh. I need a Clorox wipe just thinking about it.

And, hah! I’ve managed to embarrass men across the country via my blog!  

Moving on.

I tan. Regularly. I am so in love with subjecting my flesh to UVA rays that I have a tanning bed in my home. Well, it’s not actually IN my home. Hubs thought the best place for the tanning bed would be in our garage. It probably is best. I don’t want my house to smell like a tanning salon. You know, nothing is as inviting to guests as the smell of my burnt flesh and Get Down Brown Chocolate Body Bronzer.

“Are you guys enjoying your meal?” Susannah asked her guests as she passed the leg of lamb around the beautifully decorated dining table.

“Oh, yes,” Alberta hesitated. “Was the lamb…roasted…recently….in a chocolate kind of sauce?”

“No, Alberta. I just tanned while doused in chocolate body butter. That’s the burning flesh and chocolate aroma you smell. Tapioca, anyone?”

Tapioca?

Anyway, the tanning bed is in the garage.

Despite the box fans, tanning in the garage in 88 degree weather is like sitting in a  cheap Rival crock pot. If I had a carrot up my schnoz and a potato wedged under my armpit, I could be the Sunday roast. Hmm, I wonder if A1 is an effective tanning lotion? It IS how steak gets done, right? Could it help me get done, too? Done, as in, toasted and cooked and browned in the tanning bed.

I am digressing and this is going to a weird place. I will get back on subject. Immediately.

The heat in the garage doesn’t compare to the bugs. Once the tanning bed is turned on, its fluorescent lighting calls every bug within a 3 state radius. It’s really nothing but a huge bug zapper, and with the Mayfly problem right now, tanning is a terrifying experience.

One bastard was so huge he had “MOM”
tattooed on his wing. No shit.

It was like a scene from Fear Factor or a Hitchcock film. The insects the size of heavyset hummingbirds swarmed me. I made the following sound at least 432 times in the twenty minutes I was in that enclosed glowing space with buzzing creatures.

“Gnawhwwhwa!”

That word didn’t come out the way I had envisioned. I don’t guess I can really spell the sound I kept making. It was kind of a yell mixed with a sneeze mixed with sheer panic. Ironically, I make the same sound when I go to Hell Mart on Saturday.

If a camera had been filming while I was being attacked in the tanning bed by these viscous little buttholes, it would be extremely hilarious and disturbing. I finally caved and bolted from the bed, arms flailing, slapping my face, doing jumping jacks, and yelling dirty words at the same time.

You know, the same kind of  thing I do at Hell Mart on Saturday.

My point? Mayflies and tanning beds are a catastrophic combo.

I cant believe I was the genius to figure that one out. 

News Update: I blogged last night and asked you all to give me your blogging ideas. I have gotten some great suggestions from you guys on Blogger, Facebook and Twitter. I will be working on that mass compilation as soon as I get a bit of free time. There is still time to suggest something! Keep your eyes peeled for the Reader’s Choice Post and your stellar idea!! Mucho Thank-o!

Wife, Mama, Author, Humorist, Podcaster, Southerner, Jesus Follower, CEO of Twelve Tails Farm.

21 comments

  1. The Beans says:

    Those Mayflies sound suspiciously like the so-called “love bugs” we get in central Florida: copulating EVERYWHERE.

    Also: did you change your blog’s style? I like it! 😀

    P.S. Also: I am following your blog, but I haven’t seen your posts appear on my reading list. o_O

    -Barb the French Bean

  2. ROBIN says:

    Funny. Crazy flies. We have them here too. Yea. Everywhere. Speaking of tanning beds….I just started tanning and today I went into a room..there is a big handwritten sign hanging above the bed that states WHEN I FIND OUT WHO IS PEEING IN THE TANNING BED, I WILL HURT YOU BAD!! oh my. And u thought your peeing in the pool was bad….GRRRRROSS! and though I am also following you, you don’t show up on my list either. I just get an email confirmation…. any ideas?

    • Oh, Robin! Your comment is full of disturbing news. First off, who the F pees in a tanning bed? Disgusting. I see electrocution in their future. Blugh. Secondly, my blogs not showing up for you either is really disturbing. I don’t know what that means or how to fix it. I’m very worried now.

  3. First, let me tell you how much I enjoyed this post! I’m originally from Chicago & now live in Portland–in both places we sometimes get little gnats that gather & fly in our faces. I once got a mouthful and was in a state of horrified shock for a month. LOL

    As for tanning–I’d be afraid to show up at your door because you’d probably mistake me for a something from the spirit world because I’m so pale. 😮

    Now, on to techie stuff: you asked me on Twitter if I can see your posts–yes, I follow using Google Reader & can see your posts fine. 🙂 You mentioned you can’t see my posts in your reader. Google/Blogger glitches sometimes—Lord knows why, but I do have a good tip to help in those situations.

    If people tell you they can’t see your blog, tell them to try using your blog feed address in their reader instead. You can usually find the blog feed address somewhere on a blog. Your blog’s feed is:
    http://zannahbrown.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default

    If you can’t see someone else’s blog, use their feed address instead. Mine is:
    http://superearthling.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default
    or this:
    http://feeds.feedburner.com/SuperEarthling

    Try this to see if mine show up for you, and please let me know via Twitter or by posting a comment on my blog.

    Thanks!

    –Susan 🙂

  4. ROBIN says:

    Update….you show up on my list of blogs i follow. But when u post something new, I never know. It doesn’t show up on my blog updates. And you r right about the tanning bed. Seems like it would short out or something. But its gross.

  5. ROBIN says:

    Ok…sorry. I have been messing with this all morning. But my home internet is down. Am doing this on my DROID. It can only show me so much….I will check it later. Thanks Super Earthling for the advice. Will see what happens
    ….

  6. Thanks so much for the techie advice. I pinged and synced and did a bunch of crazy stuff. Then I followed myself…lame….and now I can see my posts In Google reader. I hope you guys can, too! Let me know. And thanks again for helping me out! 🙂

  7. Gina P says:

    Haha! So I subscribed to your blog a few weeks ago with Google Reader and then never saw anything, so I assumed that you must not be posting very often. Then this morning my list was completely clogged with all of your posts. So you must have figured something out! At least it’s all funny stuff. Way to go!

    Gina http://www.holdingthedistaff.blogspot.com

    • Thank you for following. I will check your blog out as well! And I got it figured out but I didn’t know so many posts would update at once. Ppl probably think I was up all night on a cocaine induced writing spree.

  8. Jen says:

    That’s weird about your blog posts not showing up….they were showing up on my desktop reader, but not on my iPad reader,,….but I have changed nothing and this one shows up on both??

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