My 35th Birthday


I’ve been blogging for a few years, and I always post on my birthday. I do this to share my life with you all, but also to be able to look back years from now and remember how I spent July 11th– the gifts I received, the restaurant where I ate dinner, the good times with my family and the smiles and laughs and how blessed I am that the Good Lord granted me another year on this Earth.

So here is how I spent my 35th birthday:

I knew today would be hard. It’s the first birthday without Mama. Before I went to sleep last night, I knew I would struggle off and on throughout the day. I knew I would cry when I watched the video that she sent me last year of her singing “Happy Birthday”.  I knew I would receive texts from dear friends telling me to push through and try to enjoy the day. I knew it would be difficult, but I knew I would make it through. Just like Christmas and Mother’s Day. I would make it through.

Yes, I awoke to texts from dear friends. Yes, I cried while watching the video. And, yes, the funk hit. And I expected that. I knew it would come, but I thought it would go away. I patiently waited for it to go away. I prayed for it to go away.

It didn’t.

I stayed in the bed all day. I watched 8 episodes of “The Golden Girls” with my dogs piled on my feet–only getting up to let them outside to pee. My children kept themselves occupied upstairs coloring, playing school, watching television and making crafts. They came downstairs only to eat or ask me to fix a toy or reconnect their devices to Wi-Fi.

All of the birthday texts and Facebook messages I received throughout the day made me incredibly thankful and gave me a full heart, but the depression weaseled itself back in. I knew the only way to escape it was to sleep. So that’s what I did for two hours.

When I woke up, I wanted to go to the cemetery. I got up to shower, but instead I moped around the house eating cookies for twenty minutes and then I decided to crawl back into the bed.

My husband came home from work with intentions to take us out to dinner– as he’s always done for my birthday. I told him I didn’t feel like getting dressed or going anywhere. He understood and went to get BBQ.

I took a much needed shower while he and our children were gone to get the food. The shower has always been a good place to cry– the water conceals the tears and puffiness. So that’s what I did. I cried loudly because no one was home to hear me. I knocked shampoo bottles out of my way and cried until I coughed and choked.

I put clean pajamas on before my family arrived home and we ate pulled pork. We watched “Rear Window” and “The Seven Year Itch”. Those were my mother’s favorite movies, and I felt her near as I watched them on the television. I tinkered with the Go Pro I received today and thought about how funny it will be to strap it to my dog’s back.

My husband and children went to sleep. And, in the quiet, I began to feel extremely sorry for myself– the sorriest I’ve felt for myself all day. Sorry because my mother is dead and I’m 35 and haven’t had another baby yet. I’ve been telling myself for the last 4 years that if I wasn’t pregnant again by 35 that I would quit trying– that the dream of having a 3rd child would no longer be a dream.

So I mourned that loss as well.

And then I got angry. Not angry at my mother’s absence. Or that I can’t conceive. I got angry at myself for being such a big baby. I got angry because I was having such a stupid pity party, despite all of the love and encouragement I had received today from my family and friends– despite how blessed I am to have had a mother who loved me enough to send me a video of her singing to me– despite the fact that it wasn’t merely a coincidence that she sent me that video last year, but rather it was a graceful gift from God. I got angry at the type of person I have become– droning on and on about dead parents and a barren womb and my fear that people think I’m always seeking pity and attention because of it. I got angry because I don’t like the sad person I’ve become. I got angry because I annoy myself and feel unworthy of the encouraging words and prayers that I receive daily from friends and followers.

And then I decided to post this.

Not for pity or attention.

But because I always post on my birthday.

And I might as well post the truth.

 

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About Susannah

I'm a freelance writer, blogger, aspiring best-selling author, wife of one and stay-at-home mother of two. I was chosen for the Top 13 in Blogger Idol and contribute pieces to The Huffington Post and Hahas for Hoohas. My work has also been featured in several humorous e-books, "Southern Writersโ€™ Magazine", "The Humor Daily", "The Funny Times" and on the Erma Bombeck website. When I'm not putting pen to paper, bandaging boo-boos or spraying Shout on unidentifiable stains, I enjoy reading, playing the piano and teaching my children all about Southern charm. God has blessed me beyond measure and to Him be the glory forever.


48 thoughts on “My 35th Birthday

  • Tnlexiesue

    If your momma was here right now, she would kick your donkey so hard.
    I know it hurts. You are the Big Momma now.
    Tomorrow is a beautiful day. Smile and fake it until you make it.
    Go out to dinner tomorrow night. Get that late night babysitter. Celebrate. Drink. Be obnoxious.
    Babies happen when they happen…and sometimes they don’t. Yell at the ones you have.

    • Angel Peters Jackson Curtis

      Good words, baby! Now listen Susannah……I’m gonna put my daughter Carlee on this baby thing. She gets more people pregnant with her prayers than all the clomid in the world. Careful…..she is known to pray up some twins on folks. I have a neighbor who won’t speak to me now because she got twins when she just ordered one on the menu. We got this baby. God, you and Carlee!

      • Missy Browning

        Angel, Please have her say one for my daughter while you’re at it? She’s been on Clomid 10 months.

  • Betsy Bailey Barnes

    I love you even more now! I call this type of post, sharing my Uglies, and I always feel better afterwards b/c satan can’t hold it over my head! So, Happy Birthday Susannah! Bless you!!!

  • Kelly Beke

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. I do the exact same thing you do on birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays and I cry in the shower, too. I lost my mom 10 years ago at 27 years old. You are human and all your emotions are normal. You are in mourning. Some may understand better than others, but it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You did what you had to do today! I feel you!

    Happy Birthday. Tomorrow is a new day!

  • Jenepher Taylor Castillo

    Preface to my comment below: My husband committed suicide on Aug. 18, 2014. While I am sure the grief I’ll feel when my sweet mama departs this earth will cut deeper…for now, this has been the deepest grief I’ve known in my 41 years of life. And as such, this is how I see things. I hope my perspective helps you…

    Sometimes we need to wallow. Sometimes we need to pity ourselves and get down into the depth of our sorrow, where it’s dirty and messy and pathetic, this is where our emotions are usually at their rawest, and truest, form. It’s where we shove all the shit (pardon my french) we don’t have the time or the self pity to deal with on our normal days. It’s almost like a purge. You come back up to the top breathing more deeply and feeling like you finally were able to dump some of that shit (pardon my french again) out of your soul so the wounds can maybe heal just a wee bit more. It’s a process…a time consuming, grueling, self pitying, crying in the shower (or in the grocery store aisle) kind of process. There are no ‘right’ ways or ‘easy’ ways or ‘quicker’ ways to accomplish grief. It has its own time table and it’s own agenda. Some days it considers your input and other days it dictates how things will be. Both are okay. You will reach a place where the sting is a little less, and the special days are bittersweet, instead of just bitter.

    I hope that comes for you sooner than later. My thoughts and sympathies are with you.

    Jenepher

    • susan cramer

      such true and wise words … i lost my sweet mama when i was 28 and my daddy when i was 32. kinda felt my world implode for a bit then one day i overheard one of my daughters remark ‘she’s back’ … i had just yelled at them about something ๐Ÿ˜‰ and that’s when i knew it had to turn. so i tried not to pick my scab as much so it might heal … or at least develop into a stronger defense. some christian counseling helped answer my ‘inside’ questions and i started moving on. but it’s never gone. not even today. i cried when my daughter turned 28, realizing much later why. i’ve felt ‘them’ with me so often that now i just say thanks mother and smile. cause i’ve finally reached that point. but it sure isn’t easy and it sure isn’t fast. and why would we wish that something that meant so much to us for so very long [ummm, our whole life to that point?!] would just vanish with no effect. ride the waves of grief as they hit, sweet susannah, and realize there is another side and you will come thru it. not the same person, but how could you? change is the one thing we can count on in life and it’s how we react to it that’s gonna get us thru. well, that and a lotta love from those we have been blessed with and depend on us. i’ve raised my coffee cup to you this morning, wished you a blessed birthday and many many more. treasure that video …. someone knew what was to come and knew just what you’d need. xo [from indiana, age 66]

  • Karina Huber

    Lady, I see your posts on a regular basis and aspire to be half the witty woman you are. I am lucky to still have my mother, but fret daily about the day I will receive a long distance phone call from a stranger and I (her only child) will have to make the trip to mourn, dismantle her life’s possessions, close her final expenses and bury her. All in my allotted 3 day bereavement leave. I know this is a reality and I have no idea how to handle this.

    I just turned 30 last week. I invested in a 2 year degree that I nearly hate with a passion ( due to the politics in my profession) and am 30k in debt from student loans. I have worked 6 jobs in 2 yrs. Only found 1 fit but no longer an option in my area. I cried because I am not a mother yet. Cried because I need to pay back student loans and save 25k for invitro fertilization. Cry because I may not be able to afford those before my eggs are scrambled. Cry because I can’t seem to see the humor in life’s messes like wonderful ladies like yourself.
    I am sorry you are hurting over the loss of your momma. As far as your ‘no more after 35’. God has his own plan.
    I try to tell myself this. I just can’t swallow that emptiness of never experiencing being a real woman growing another human inside of me.

    May God wrap his arms around you and comfort you while you heal in the best way you know how. Happy Birthday to you, the woman who is inspiring many women across the world to speak on that which inspires them. Humor, sorrow and everything in between.

  • shari

    I love this. I love this. I love this.
    Thank you.
    When my mama died my blogs went on the long road of grief with me. I worried they were depressing people. I fretted that I was no longer the happy me that I always used to be. I was right. And that’s ok. What the heck…my mama died…of course that would change me…yeesh! There were a lot of people who were walking down that road too and to them I became a good friend, and they became mine. Thank you for telling the truth about grief…it hurts and you never get over it….but you do keep walking.

  • Jessie Waters-Yancey

    Whoa Susannah, bless your sweet heart! I needed to hear this. So thanks, Suga’Britches!
    I have to tell you, I tell everyone about you,show them my 2 favorite videos (hell has frozen over & for the love,krogers) I then follow up with “she’s my human spirit animal ” . My husband definitely agrees! I’m praying for you…

  • Brenda

    I hope Wednesday is better. You most definitely should post the truth. Thinking about you.

  • Sarah Drane

    I left a message on fb. I’m so sorry this was your first birthday without your mom. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother at 32 and my dad at 42. I know exactly how you feel and it’s okay to talk about and it’s okay to have a cry day. I know all about the cry you cried in the shower. I to have been there many times and know I will be again. The grief is so deep and the only reason we ever stopped crying was because we had to force ourselves to snap out of it because life does go on. But it sure doesn’t go on in the same manner. I hope you read my post and please know I love hearing your happy video’s but the main reason I like them so much is because you’re real about the troubles in your life as well. God didn’t mean for us to walk through our trials alone. Don’t hide who you are or your feelings because that’s the very best thing about you. I’m glad I don’t have to watch your funny stuff and have the thought that your life is probably perfect because your parents are living and I could be happy like that to if mine wasn’t dead. Sorry, sometimes I feel envious of people that still has parents. It’s not that I want them to lose their parents it’s just that I miss and want my mama back and I get on the pity train to. Just know that you are helping lift my spirits and I know I didn’t just happen upon “Whoa Susannah” by accident. God have me this sight the week of 4th of July. My mom died on July the 6th and it just so happened that I heard of her passing during a huge fireworks show so as soon as I hear them every year and until I stop hearing them ,I grieve. I HATE the sound of all that celebration on the worst week and day of my life. So God sent me to your page this year and I would put on headphones and listen to random videos of you to drown out the fireworks. Thank you for being you and being honest with how it feels to feel like an adult orphan. My thoughts and prayers are with you. And I mean that!
    Thank you, Sarah

    Oh and read my fb post cause I reminded you if how many times God was faithful in filling barren wombs. Give it to Him and His bless !

  • Gail

    Please do not ever feel unworthy for receiving encouraging words…you have helped so many people with your words! I was feeling like you were today….a little while back and I came across your rant about the Kroger store remodel! Being a former employee who has gone through remodels…I rather enjoyed your rant! I had been on both ends of the spectrum! An employee, and a customer, so I could relate on so many levels. I have lost several loved ones as well, whom I still want to call every time something happens in my life. I miss them terribly and cry for them often. But, maybe it would help to to think about your situation the same as a remodel. Everyday things are changing, you want them to stay the same, because familiarity is easier. But what is apparent is…familiar things are still around you…they just have moved…your Mother is still around you, but her earthly body has moved…but she is still there, in your heart, in your “Southern Style” birthday song video, in the laughter of your children, when you watched her favorite movies, she was there! Your rare talent in comedic expression is just delightful…and I believe you got it honest, Am I right? You have had to remodel your life to work without your Mother in it…and that is no easy task for anyone who has lost a loved one. Her loss still seems so fresh in your mind…and these “firsts” without her are hard…but like bread and milk at Kroger’s…you know they were there somewhere, you just had to find them. And their location in the store changed quite a few times…just like your daily life changes…but you know you could find them. You know where you can find your Mom…always…in your heart. I cannot help you with the idea of having another child…but if you relax a little bit more…God might surprise you, if it is meant to be…if not, you have two beautiful children and a sweetie that need you as much as you need them. Life is full of “remodels,” but if you wait long enough with hope in your heart…you will see that the change was for the good and hopefully worth the wait. You have a little ways to go…and sadness sometimes is part of this process…but your peace of mind is worth the wait…YOU are worth the wait…God knows you are in the middle of a remodel…he is patient…your family and followers will be too! Do not worry about them…find what you he’d first. God bless you and Thank you for brightening some of my darker days! Best of luck!

  • Melanie Mauldin

    I feel your pain. My mother died 4 years ago. Unlike you, I did not have a great relationship with my mom. It “annoyed” me how much she loved me. Her calls and constant concern for me was annoying to this independent woman. At 55 now, with children of my own, I finally “get her”. I finally separated from my husband, who she told me a million times was disrespectful. I try hard to heed her advice on raising my kids. I need her NOW! I get so upset at myself and get sooo sad. My 14 year old daughter asked me if I could change ONE thing in my life, what would it be. I said, “The way I treated my mother”. I’m sorry to say, your sadness will continue. Your grief will not get better, it will just get different. Celebrate the love you had with your mother (I loved her video!). Go out and garden and continue to do the things she loved and the things that connected you! Take that time you need. Your friends and family may or may not understand, but you NEED to do it! You have a new relationship with your mom now. It lives in your heart and your soul. She really is still with you and your children and will watch out after all of you. You will feel her presence with you. Take it one day at a time, but get used to your new friend “sadness”……they are here to stay. ๐Ÿ˜” My prayers are with you to move forward through this stage of your grief. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

  • Kathy

    1st of all ..HAPPY BITHDAY !!! I LOVED the video! You are so blessed to have that. I wish I had one of my mom doing that. She is still alive, but I lose her a little every day to dementia . 2nd of all. It’s OK to feel poopy today. It’s YOUR Day. Give yourself the gift of grieving . My father passed 2 days before my 43rd birthday. I was was with him when he passed. Celebration my birthday was the LAST thing I wAnt to do. I did it for my kids, but I later gave myself the ” gift” of grieving . It’s ok .

  • Leah Craven of Oak ridge, NC

    I say, you and him go right on down to the doctor and pay $400 and bam-bun in the oven at the obgyn. Done. No more worry about that. And as a almost 40 year old mommy who lost her mom and her sweet daddy in the last year, who does not get a long grieving period because she has 2 toddlers to keep moving, you keep moving any way you can. I personally do it with lots of holed up moments, some sobbing moments, etc. I don’t care if m a baby about it. Today I’m no ones baby anymore and that is so hard to feel. I’ve always been my daddy’s baby. Even after I had my own babies. Now, I’m not because he’s gone its Hard. I cry. Sue me. It’s what we all will have in common one day, losing our parents. Makes us a little more empathetic I think. You cry if you want. And put that go pro on your dog. Happy birthday.

  • Robin

    When we lost our baby girl, full term, I remember getting up the day after I came home from the hospital, putting on the most normal, non-maternity outfit I owned, and going about my day, making breakfast, cleaning up, avoiding her bedroom….you get the idea. My mother in law called to tell us she stayed in her pajamas all day in sadness, my mom, a very reasonable woman let me know that she could barely cope with the loss, and then she said, “aren’t you going to throw a lamp or something?” (I’ve never been one to throw things before). Instead, I occasionally collapsed in puddles on the floor, especially when nobody was watching, except maybe my husband, who lovingly collapsed with me. That was 12 years ago.

    As time has passed, I’ve spent some time in pajamas, cried in grief while holding my healthy newborns, and maybe even thrown a lamp, just to see if it helped soften the pain. Cleaning up my lamp kind of made me giggle at myself for being an idiot, so that helped a little. Basically, from my mamas to you, sometimes you just have to stay in your pajamas or throw a lamp. Grief is hard.

    Next year, maybe consider buying the other people that loved her some flowers and pick up an old ugly lamp at the thrift store for when you get home. It’s worth a try and would make a heck of a blog post for your 36th birthday.

  • Pj

    Thank you for sharing. We live in a world that hides grief, but grief needs to be seen. Struggles need be seen. I know it sounds simplistic but when I am going through s hard time I watch, Inside Out. Yes, the cartoon. The simple theme is it is sadness that brings us together.
    Infertility is an invisible illness. The heartache is real. The bible tells us there is a season for all things. It does not lie

  • Rita Jo

    My mom entered the hospital on June 4th, 2016, my 50th birthday. She was so out of her mind and didn’t even know who I was. She passed June 13 and was buried on the 15th, which was mine and my husband’s 20th Anniversary. I know a little of how you feel, technically it was my first birthday without my mom also. These significant things happened on important dates to me and it upset me because I thought these dates would’ve ruined with bad memories forever. After I threw myself a pity party, I concluded that I had these significant dates to remember Mom and rejoice in her life on the dates that were important to me. I had a hard lesson a few years back to turn the bad into good and get strength from the fact that I didn’t let bad overcome the good. God will take the good to become better and stronger if we will accept it. I will pray for you to take the good in your life to become better. By the way, I was not blessed with children and I rejoice that you have had two. We know God has his plan even if we don’t understand. We just have to accept it

  • Dana

    I understand, you’re just human. I lost my mom at 23 and my dad a little over a year ago. Every year at 7:04 AM my mom always called saying happy birthday to me because that’s when I was born. The first year she was gone was torture every year after that I stare at the clock at 7:04 and I know she singing. Fast forward to losing my dad he’s been gone one year and four months, I still have my days that I can be walking through the grocery store and start to cry I hear a song or sitting in traffic. The one thing you have to look at when you lose someone who has that effect on you that meant that much to you and you meant that much to them. That just means you were blessed enough to have people in your life that were that outstanding. ๐Ÿ’•

  • Mandy Kavanaugh

    In her bible study, Ruth, Kelly Minter made a point about grieving that really impacted me. Sometimes we think that because we know God is good and that he will carry us, that means our faith should produce this stoic believer who never grieves. Kelly said that Ruth wept bitterly after the death of her husband but she wept bitterly while moving forward. The bible says to weep, but not like those who have no hope. You had a day of weeping but it sounds like God set your night to sleeping with some hope. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Tara Yoakum

    Thank you for sharing the real along with the funny. I am sorry for the pain you are feeling right now, keeping you in my prayers. Just know that God is using your gifts to help others carry their burdens…both your hilarious wit, and your open expression of grief help me on my road daily. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  • Jen

    Dear friend,

    NEVER apologize for grief. I got married when I was 35. Had my first baby when I was 36, lost my Mother in the May of my 37th year, had my 2nd baby in July of my 37th year, lost my Father nine months after that. Had my third baby two years after that. I was a strong person…or so I thought until then. Grief would wash up on me everywhere I went. It woke me up in the morning, and put me to bed at night. My parents lived just four blocks away from me, and our daily lives were completely intertwined. They were amazing people, and were my everything. My friends, and my husband knew and loved them as well.

    But the empty spot that they left in my life when they we’re called home filled up with ache, anger, anxiety and sadness.

    My BFF was the only person who had lost a parent up till that point that could throw me a life line. The only one that could comprehend the type of pain I was having. The only one I would comfortably sit and cry ugly with. The genuine actions of other friends were kindly recieved…but for at least a year…I wanted to not be touched by the world. All I had energy to do was care for my babies…and cry ugly.

    Grief leaves you feeling so madly disconnected from things. But in time girl…the sunlight will creep through those cracks and find you. It will! And then the memories, all the funny, loving ones of your sweet Momma will fill the space where the grief currently is. And when they find you..they will make you happy…not sad. It WILL happen.

    For now though…grief is camped out on your couch. Give it the time it needs, and make sure you have that one person who will be a “space saver” for you…the one who will let you cry ugly with them. The one that will hear the S.O.S. Call…and the one that will help you to see the sunlight when it starts to pour in through those cracks.

    Hugs my friend. Your Momma knew you would grieve her for a time…but I’m sure her prayers were that you would have her Moxy, and would get to steppin ‘ back in this amazing life of yours sooner than later ;-).

  • Rebecca

    I know this one thing. Grief is hard. And yours is doubled. There’s no time limit on when you have to start feeling alive again. This sadness is part of the process and from what I’ve read and experienced, you must let yourself experience and feel it. So, let yourself have a day every now and again, totally guilt free. It doesn’t mean you’re not grateful for what you do have. It means you’re human.
    In the meantime, bring that gratefulness to the forefront. Thank God continually for all the wonderful things going in your life, the time you did have with your mother, and those 2 precious little ones you’ve been blessed with. Focus on that, but don’t feel guilty for feeling sad sometimes.
    Many blessings to you. You are one of my favorite bloggers, real, funny, and full of heart. Praying for you!

  • Kelly

    Susannah – you are allowed all of this. I would expect the same from myself. And now you’ve owned it. So what’s next? You did lots of healing the in the past 24 hours. Give yourself that grace to feel those emotions and move forward. You bring such joy to lots of people. Remember YOUR joy. Sending good vibes & positive juju your way, my dear. Prayers for joy!!! ๐Ÿ˜˜

  • Melissa

    This broke my heart not because of the way I feel for my own mother (sadly) but to think of my children without me. I want to hug you and tell you that it’s okay and all the stupid cramp people say when your hurting and it doesn’t do one lick of good …..but I still want to! Sending love and prayers!

  • Rachel

    Dearest Whoa Susannah – You have made me laugh and laugh until the tears came. Your “droning on” has brought me much joy. Just so you know. Also, I became pregnant at 42 after 16 years of trying, so don’t give up. Lots of love and hugs.

  • Texsheva

    The last part of your entry is the best. It was your realization that no matter how depressed you get or how hard you mope…they’re not coming back. I know. I’ve been there. Sometimes I still go there…but I try not to. It’s time to give your kids that wonderful mother you were lucky enough to have. Enjoy the children you have, rather than bemoaning the one you may not have. Sometimes God says no to save us from something worse. There are women who can’t have any! It’s time to pull up the big girl panties because now you’re the matriarch. I know. It’s not fun. Certain times will never be the same…ever. But now it’s about your children’s memories. Do you want them to remember a happy mom who was fun & did things with them or a mom who was depressed and stayed in bed? I think I know and your mom knows which one you’ll choose. Do it girl…it’s about them, now. I also use the shower as my crying refuge…and then I dry off and plaster on a smile and come out to face the world.

    P.S. My 3rd was born when I was a couple of months from 38. She’s now 26. I was going to have all my kids by the time I was 30. That wasn’t God’s plan for my life. Never even had my first till I was 32. Give it all to Him. He knows what he’s doing. Hugs & Happy 35th Birthday!

  • CeaCea

    First off Happy Birthday. I just started watching and reading you in the past month…
    I laugh at your accident because I had one when I moved to Colorado at the age of 14 and everyone made fun of me… High School sports team was called the Arriba Aces..and with my accent it sounded like the Arriba Asses…as I was a cheerleader. Love that accent and wish I didn’t sound like a northerner…
    2nd. When I was 35 I was pregnant with my last child I had not had a child for 10 years and thought I would never get pregnant again… but I did and it was a wonderful surprise.
    But Susanna my mother passed away while I was pregnant with that child.
    It felt very unfair that I would lose my mother during my pregnancy when I needed her so much.
    So … maybe this was not the year for you to be pregnant.
    I’m a Christian and I was very mad at God and continue to me being mad at him for many years afterwards.
    I allowed that frustration in my life to bring about a divorce and many other changes.
    I’m sharing this with you to let you know the things are not as bad as you see.
    You have a career and it makes people smile, a loving husband, wonderful children, dogs and countless friends and acquaintances.
    You are blessed beyond measure my dear heart.
    As time goes along the pain will ease and the memories will become more sweeter.
    But right now in the midst of this stand strong!!!
    Do not let these disappointments interfere with your gratitude.
    And…. and I your new friend will be praying for you…. and waiting for the next giggles.

  • Nicole

    Thank you for your words. Sometimes life is just too heavy to move around. I lost my mother two years ago and years before because of Alzheimer’s. I get it. My birthday seems to pass easily, but I can barely move on Mothers Day. Grace and Peace.

  • Missy Browning

    I hope you get pregnant really fast and I’m sorry for your pain…I wouldn’t
    call it a “pity party” I would it grief.

  • Sherry Lee

    Oh my goodness, you are still grieving. I lost my dear mother 8 years ago and I still think I’ll stop breathing I miss her so much. The first year was so hard. I went through every stage of grief. She is still the first one I want to talk to when anything good or bad happens. Please don’t get angry with yourself. Give yourself permission to feel all of those raw, and I mean raw, emotions. We had just adopted a beautiful little girl, 5 hours old, and I can’t remember her second year of life at all. I couldn’t sleep but I slept all day long, I gained 30 pounds because that’s just how I cope. Just know that you won’t always be shut down like this, but you will always have a hole in your heart for all the things that should have been, could have been. You will feel better after all the “firsts”…holidays, birthdays (yours and hers) and the day she died is never an easy one. I am your sister in Christ and I will pray for your road to recovery. You will one day feel a little better. Take your time….you need to feel these feelings as they come. That’s the way you know your heart is still beating.

  • Carol Paulsen

    This is so inspirational to me, because I get this way also! Even though my mom passed away in 2008 at 94 years old it still hurts and I ball my eyes out too Es when my depression pops in once in awhile. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or the amazing family and friends and followers you have, to me it’s ok to have this “pity party” and to be sad, that who you are right now, it’s ok… We see you all funny and hilarious, but we/I see you sad in your closet crying, bc you miss your mama! It’s still new so give that to yourself. She Only gone one year. I’m sorry about you “maybe” not being able to have a third child and I pray that even though you’ve given up that just maybe now you may conceive. That’s my pray to you and also to find some peace for yourself. You bring so much joy and laughter in my life even on fb. I’m going to need to by one or two of your books. I’m going to end now and I’m not going to proof read this, so please excuse my errors… May god bless you sweet Whoa Susannah xxx๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ

  • Sharon Rogers

    Accept the grace of God and know that everyone has those days. It seems like you refuse to make it one of those lives. Missing people is hard; missing the chance to have another child is hard. Don’t forget to forgive yourself before you move on. You never fail to make me happy. <3

  • Janice Snyder

    It is just tough Susannah๐Ÿ˜” As hard as it is to understand, but over time it will get better, but not right now. Everyone grieves in their own way. Love yo you

  • Alice

    Oh Susannah, my own mother left us 21 months ago.
    You are not ‘droning on’ . I wish I had the talent to express, as you do, the emptiness my life feels. You have given me comfort in days I feel so alone.
    I need the support and I really appreciate the Words you share.
    My mom was 93 and I had her for so long. The night she died ( after falling), I knew she was gone but I got to hold her hand and make myself get ready for the emptiness I knew would be every day from then on.
    My comfort that night was realizing, mom was with her mother , whom she never knew. Her mom died giving birth to her.
    I am an older mother of one daughter.
    I guess my point is, please never feel like you’re droning on, a lot of us out here need your southern self and your Words.
    Love, and prayers for comfort , Alice.

  • Cheryl Harris

    Susannah, my prayers for comfort, strength, hope and peace are going up for you. You are always going to need the prayers and I speak from experience. It will take a while for the light to over come the darkness and the funk that you are now experiencing to subside. Hopefully for you, much sooner than later. My beloved mother passed at the age of 55 years young, less than one month before she turned 56. I was 35 at that time. I am married to a wonderful, understanding and compassionate husband. We have three beautiful children who at that time were ages 15, 13, and 11. They all were grieving too but in my perspective handling her passing much better than I was. I spent much of my time grieving just as you have described. The first days, month and first year were definitely the hardest but all of the others have been hard ones too. All of the milestones, just to name a few … the birthdays, anniversaries, all of the holidays, graduations, weddings, the births and the baptisms of her eight great grandchildren were joyful but still sad. You name it, even the saddest of times such as funerals. The absence my mothers physical presence absolutely sucked the ability out of me just to inhale and exhale. I had to remind my self to just breath. I miss as well as we all do, the absence of her warm touch, her unconditional love, her smile, her laughter, her kind words of wisdom, so many things that were so sadly taken for granted. Susannah, one day by the grace of God her voice broke thru my grief and I heard her say loud and clear ” Cheryl, look around, look clearly thur your tears and your grief, look at my legacy everything that you are missing from my presence has been instilled in your children, my grandchildren and the generations to come!” My mother could always give the best wake up call “Rise and shine!” God bless you good.

  • Kari Gilbert

    I just wanted to say thank you! I unexpectedly found you on FB and have laughed hysterically over your videos! Then I realized we have some things in common…I’m 34 years old and I lost my mom on July 27th…it’s been three weeks since she’s been gone…reading your blog has given me so much inspiration and also relief! Relief that it’s ok to feel certain things at this time. Also I lost my grandmother three weeks before my mom passed away…and earlier this year I suffered a miscarriage…dealing with so much unexpected loss in a short period of time takes a toll. I look at my almost five your old son and I’m so sad that my mom won’t get to see him grow up. My parents 40th wedding anniversary was four days ago and my heart broke for my dad. I’m taking it day by dad and am SO glad I found your page!!!! So, thank you again for sharing your thoughts and feelings…they are helping more than you know!

    • Susannah Post author

      Kari, I’m so sorry to hear this but glad our paths crossed and this post brought a little comfort. God bless and hang in there. โ™ก

  • Lexi leggo

    I want you to know something susannah. You are rich. Your rich because you have your family, you have support, you have a roof over all your heads, food in your bellys, internet in your house, and most of all you had your mother for a good amount of time in your life. Also your children had a grand mother. My mom passed away last year and i was 23 turning 24. I do not have children and if i ever do they will never know the one woman who was the most important to me. The first year is the hardests. But you need to remember how lucky you are to have someone who is so protective over you watching you and your family in a higher place. Always remember to talk to her everyday she talks back you just have to pay attention and listen. Its a nice little gift when you see a sign of communication. Just remember to smile and be strong for your kids because one day they will have to go threw it and you dont want them to be depressed and start to go down a bad path. Remember your there strenghth you must accept things that are out of your control because it happened for a reason, maybe you needed an extra angel.

  • Steph E

    Happy 35th, it will continue to be your 35th birthday every year for as long as you’d like. I’m going on my 7th 35th birthday this year! ๐Ÿ˜

  • Kerri Beasley

    I just watched your video about it being ok to say, “No.” Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. I am not experiencing grief as you are, and I am so sorry for your early loss of your Momma. However, I totally get the idea of being emotionally weak and needing time to deal with it. Thank you for being willing to put yourself out there and be so openly honest and vulnerable. Southern women are taught to please, please, please. Be a lady, be polite…the whole idea of it being ok to say no to something (even throwing a Pampered Chef party) isn’t something we hear a lot about. My Momma would say, “well she’s such a good friend and she’s done so much for us…” and I would be guilted into doing something that I just didn’t want to or couldn’t do. Be courageous by being true to yourself!

  • Michelle Peedin Adams

    Hey Susannah,
    I just watched the video about your parents death. I cried while I listened to your story. Wept. Ugly cried. I was thankful my husband and girls were running errands. Then I decided to look more into your life.
    I turned 40 on July 11th. I should have truly been enjoying this time my husband through a big party, but I could only think about my impending future. Everyone in my dad’s family has died or been diagnosed with a severe illness at 44.
    I watched my Dad die at 48 when I was 22. My Granny died the same day of an unrelated illness. She had told everyone they would be in heaven on the same day. They were my two greatest fans, my biggest cheering section, my most positive influences. They were gone on the same day.
    We struggled with infertility for years before being blessed with our two beautiful girls. Like you, I longed for that third baby desperately, but this never happened.
    I couldn’t bring myself to go through all of the evasive procedures again. I just hoped and prayed and waited and longed for one more baby.
    Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you are a blessing. You have reminded me to look to God when I am in despair. I am not the only one feeling alone and experiencing loneliness. When I am having my pity party God is waiting for me to call Him. Thanks for the reminding me of something I already knew, but struggle to always practice.

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