I recently heard the most profound quote ever. Do you want to hear it? Quick! Go grab your book of profound quotes and rip that Oscar Wilde page out to make room for this one.
“The difference in Twitter and Facebook? Twitter makes me like people I don’t know. Facebook makes me hate people I do know.”
Genius, right?
That is pretty self explanatory, and I could end this post there, but now I have to go into great detail about how this is so profound. You know me. Type, type, type.
Let us begin with The Book of Face.
Facebook friends fall in several categories. Here they are.
1. The first category consists of people that you genuinely enjoy having as friends. These are your close friends, relatives, neighbors, acquaintances, people that know you peed in a swimming pool, yet love you anyway. These are also people that you have drifted away from over the years, but you enjoy catching up with them and rekindling your friendship. These are also people that you need to keep in contact with, whether it be for school, work, extracurricular activities. These are also people that post things to make you laugh, cry, inspire you and make your social networking experience a better one. These are people that you genuinely enjoy having as friends. These are the only people you should have as friends.
2. The second category consists of people that you don’t like. These are people that could mistake a turd for a brownie and you wouldn’t correct them. These are people that probably made your life living hell at one time. These are people that you removed from your news feed, but keep them around just to keep the number of friends you have high so that you don’t look like a loser. These people probably befriended you just to make fun of your pictures because you certainly make fun of theirs. I don’t have many of these friends. I deleted them a long time ago. I should probably delete the remaining ones before they read this post and make it a point to offer me a turd in a Little Debbie wrapper.
3. The third category consists of people that you don’t know. These are people you hung out with once, and were drunk the entire time. These are people that you befriended in the bathroom at a bar because you totally thought you should go shopping together tomorrow. These are people that you should delete, but again, you want to keep that friend number high.
The people in categories 2 and 3 are also the ones that usually require a STHU button in place of the Like button. Do you know what STHU means? If not, Google it.
Here are some examples where the STHU button is needed.
“Good morning, FB!” posted at 5:43 am. Am I supposed to like the fact that you told a social networking site good morning? Am I supposed to comment on such an absurd status update? No, I should tell you to STHU.
“Well, big dinner planned tonight. I got meatloaf, collard greens, 3 cheese macaroni, homemade biscuits, broccoli cheese casserole, taters, pork loin and 42 ribs on the grill. Delicious apple pie and banana pudding with Nilla wafers for desert. Condiments include salt, pepper, ketchup, hot sauce, see more..” If your status update about dinner includes the little blue “see more” link then a.) you are having too much food and b.) STHU.
“I’m so mad right now I could spit nails! Arghhh!!” Okay, if you expect me to comment and ask what’s wrong, then you might as well just STHU because you are begging people to ask and that ain’t cool. Just tell us what’s made you so mad or either STHU.
Then there’s the loser that posts every You Tube video they’ve ever seen. We have the Def Leppard “Hysteria” CD. There’s no need to post every song from the album. Oh, and that talking chinchilla isn’t that amazing. Neither is the talking hermit crab, komodo dragon, carrot, etc.
This loser also does that link up thing where it shows every article they read throughout the day. “Loser just read ‘How to Make a Pipe Bomb’ on Blowstuffup.com.” Whoa. I’m actually glad I saw that you read that article. I now know to delete you immediately because you blew through all of your Facebook saves with that one. Red alert!
I could go on, but you get the point. Facebook is a wonderful tool for those you really like, but it makes you loathe people you already kinda loathed even more.
You dig?
Now, let’s address The Twitter.
I have a few people that I personally know that I follow on Twitter, and they fall into the first category of Facebook friends. The rest are people that I don’t know in real life, but have met through the blogging community, etc. Also, there is the handful of celebrities. I don’t follow many celebrities.
Why? Because I am not a 17 year old girl wondering what articles of clothing the Kardashians didn’t wear today.
I tried to follow Chelsea from Teen Mom 2, but she was constantly tweeting about that ass hat baby daddy Adam and posting endless pictures of that big, messy hair. I just couldn’t handle her posts bumping my Huffington Post tweets into oblivion. However, in Chelsea’s defense, she is a good mother. She’s loads better than that Janelle. I would let Helen Keller keep my kids before I let Janelle. Fact.
And, of course, I follow The Hunger Games. Why? Because I am not a 17 year old girl, but the books are AMAZING! And no sarcasm intended. I’m serious. They are amazing.
I really enjoy The Twit. I enjoy discovering new blogs and ideas and awesome people that I never have to really meet. I enjoy all of the positive feedback that I receive from strangers who hold no beef towards me because I took their seat in the cafeteria over a decade ago.
Facebook? I get positive feedback, but it isn’t always genuine. If a person from Facebook category 2 posts “Your daughter is absolutely beautiful” on an absolutely beautiful picture of my absolutely beautiful daughter, I know she is really thinking, “That is an absolutely beautiful little girl, but her mother took my seat in the cafeteria in 1998. I had to eat my stromboli at the loser table by the bathroom. The janitor had diarrhea in that bathroom that day. I will never eat stromboli again. She has an absolutely beautiful daughter, but she ruined stromboli for me. I hate her. Witch.”
No one will ever think that about me on Twitter.
In my mind, if there were a Social Network Games, the odds would be in Twitter’s favor.
hahahaha!
You’re funny! Even if you had stolen my seat in 1998, I’d STILL find you funny. You didn’t steal my seat in the cafeteria in 1998, did you?
Thanks for the explanation on the drawing… I totally did not know what the white stuff was (and awkward moment).
You forgot about Pinterest, LinkedIn, Google+, YouTube…!? Now, you’ve probably hurt their feelings! Plus, it might make your Social Network Games more interesting… more medias for Twitter to kill.
Did you have on overalls? If so, I totally stole your seat.
I don’t do all those other social network sites, so they didn’t make the Games. Maybe in the next book…
Yes! Excellent points 🙂 I use facebook at this point separately – one to promote my blog and one for my family. I hate no one on any of it because I’m not adding friends just to add friends and none of that crap. But I do hate how facebook leads to little passive aggressive narcissists being whacko. I never thought I would like Twitter but it’s like a constant party of people standing in your kitchen 🙂
People say all this stuff makes you less social. Ridiculous. Only if you’re using it wrong.
YOU have excellent points!
My facebook friends absolutely fall into those three categories. Obviously I should spend more time on Twitter!
Obviously!!!!
Thanks for the comment!!
Thanks for making me laugh this grim, grey morning. Just off to check my historical FB posts and take another look at my er … ‘friends’ …
Thanks for your comment! And are they really friends, hmmm?
Yeah, Twitter is just too short to be mean.
Facebook became a chore for a while. It has its purpose, but realistically, it’s a glorified address book for many people.
I love the people who want to turn LinkedIn into a social network. I like you and all, but LinkedIn is my work stuff.
Everyone forgets about Google+ because it is forgettable. I can’t believe Google came that late to the party and didn’t bring Tequila.
WG
http://itsmynd.com
No tequila!!!? The nerve!
Hahahah I think your logic is pretty spot on for this. And the pic is great. I totally got it without the explanation
I’m glad you dint mistake the bow for a coat hanger.
I love your picture! Ha! Honestly, I’ve never really done the whole Facebook thing. And I don’t fully understand twitter. But I’m trying, I’m trying! Here’s another facebook/twitter line that I like:
Facebook is where you like to people who know you. Twitter is where you tell the truth to people who don’t.
Genius!
Ack – people that post on fb for the sake of wanting people to ask “What’s wrong?” drives me totally INSANE. That being said – I get much more interaction on fb than on twitter – even if they secretly do hate me for not sharing my cafeteria fries with them back in 1995.
Yeah, I certainly do, too. Like I said, FB is great for people you want to interact with. Not so great for people you wish had herpes.
You said it first: Genius!! And the truth can set us all free. Everyone in the waiting room at the hospital is watching me as I laugh out loud about this post—thanks for making waiting through my dad’s surgery enjoyable!! (Totally not intended to sound like an needy FB status update at all, but I wanted you to have some context for just HOW great your post was!!). Love this! Erin
I’m so glad I caused laughter in a waiting room. And not needy, at all! Hope all is well with your dad!
I think you’ve done an awesome job of categorizing the ‘friends’ we hoard on facebook. Sometimes I think it’s mind-boggling that I’ve got people on there that I haven’t seen since the first grade and, even then, they didn’t like me. Oddly enough, I wrote a post about Facebook a few weeks back but didn’t link it up with Yeah Write. Maybe you’d like it: http://cricktricks.blogspot.ca/2012/03/my-twisted-relationship-with-facebook.html
Suzie
I’m positive I will like it. I will read it ASAP!
This comment has been removed by the author.
Your depiction of FB is spot on! Social networking sites are banned at my house for the time being- my obsessive personality can only handle one addiction at a time (currently yeah write!) or else my family will be going to school/work in their underwear. Plus, I spent most of my time stalking that girl who took my seat in the cafeteria….
That damn cafeteria seat stealer. Like you, I can only take so much social networking. I like to deactivate my FB page every few months. I get overwhelmed easily…
Um…This is simply hilarious. I think there’s probably a post in there about people you don’t know professing their love for you in the comment box of a particularly funny post, but I’m going to go ahead anyway and say it “I kind of love you a little.” So glad I found this blog through yeahwrite!
I’ve been stubbornly refusing to get into twitter to mantain my “old school, keepin’ it real” bona fides, (and I kind of had the impression that it was just all the innane status updates from facebook and nothing else) but this post is tempting me to jump on into the tweet-osphere.
I kind of love that you kind of love me a little. I was very anti Twitter for years. I just didn’t see the point. Now I get it. Converted.
hysterical and spot on1 i feel like we have some friends in common especially the person that feels the need to post their menu..every f88*ing day. Also if you are home sick with a stomach bug please don’t update every 2 hours to keep us current on your gastro intestinal situation. TmI!
In, yes. The shit status. Annoying.
So, so true about Facebook. It’s the baiting status updates that make me the craziest. The ‘I’m so angry and please, please ask me why’ updates. So very passive aggressive. What is that about?? I laughed at your lengthy dinner list, too! Oh my gosh!! I don’t care that you carefully crafted your dinner all day long or that it took you 8 hours to decorate your table. Holy Moly, it makes me batty. Whew! There’s my rant.:)
Great, great post. I am on your side.
I’m so glad your on my side. We will be ready when the FB uprising comes.
I forget people exist when I hide them from my feed. I don’t care about your product you sell on the side for minimal profits. I also don’t need you to tell me good morning every day. I know you’re alive when you comment on other things! I’ve also heard the phrase “Facebook is for bragging, Twitter is for complaining.” And who doesn’t love a good complaint!
That’s a good one, too. Lots of bragging on the FB. We know your dog is cute, but STFU.
I have to say I enjoy Twitter more than Facebook. I enjoy the live tweets of TV shows and special events like the Super Bowl or the Grammys.
There is a Friend Category #4: Total Strangers You Friended When You Got Sucked Into Timesink, I mean, Farmville in order to move up levels, unlock crap and have people work on your farm, but you keep them to keep your friend levels up.
Thankfully, I never got sucked into Farmville. I’ve known it to ruin lives.
All kinds of love to this post!!! And I am a recent Facebook quitter… I feel 33% smarter already.
I was off Facebook for 362 days last year. I never felt better, stronger, or smarter. If only I’d stayed off for 3 more days, and I would have received that “one year” sobriety pin.
Omg, who can we call to get that STFU button installed??? Need it. Like, now.
I’m thinking that Zuckerberg kid could make it happen.
Here’s my beef. I totally Post things on Facebook about my kids successes. I post a happy birthday to sunnie or MJ or two Doug… I DO NOT in any way air my dirty laundry for all to see!! My God, I don’t need to know that you are going throug a divorce and you hate them or that you are gonna kick Tina’s ass for messing with your man! Get a life people. I do have to admit, I love the FB but I typically only post things that are to do with my kids or running. Therapy is out there for those that need it!
You know you most definitely fall into my first category, Jamie. We share a few friends, and I bet you have noticed the same things I have with some of them. Call a divorce attorney, not Facebook.
To Doug.. I know the deference between two, to and too…
I certainly hope that Haywood County education provided you with enough sense to know two, to and too!!!!
They are so totally bones. Ellen
Totally.
Great breakdown…loved it!!
Thank you!
Ha! This is so, so true.
Have you ever thought about deleting your Facebook account? I’ve considered it briefly, because I mostly hate it, but for those few friends in category 1, I keep it around. But honestly, I do wish I had the balls to just delete it.
I’ve deleted it numerous times. I always get reeled back in.
This was so funny! For the record, I only keep the people I hate around on FB because I hate confrontation and I don’t want to explain to them why I hate them (How they couldn’t know is beyond me!). But I don’t interact with them, nor they with me. It’s weird. Fun post!!
I never thought I would know what my high school nemesis had for breakfast.
Wow! You summed it up well!!! Thank you!!!
Thank you!!!
Twitter = WIN! Loved your post, and the fact that your drawing skills are pretty much equal to mine. 😉
So you don’t have an art gallery either?
Thanks!
I really hate when people announce via Facebook that they are blessed. First of all stop bragging. Second of all, we don’t care.
absolutely hilarious! and so so true. I totally feel like I need to delete my so-called friends… Sad but I don’t have too many FB friends and they are all in categories 2 and 3. LOL “Blog? why do I blog? well, why do you facebook, douchebag???” (not you!! I’m referring to your douchebag post….also hilarious!) you crack me up!
Whew…thought youse calling me a douchebag!
this is real damn funny. i can’t quite figure out what i’m doing on twitter, which makes me think i should quit it. facebook i hate but can’t keep myself from looking at pictures of the girls i didn’t like in high school (and also, my college boyfriend’s pagaent queen wife. i don’t get it. she’s not pretty.). wasn’t life easier before any of this stuff came along?
Yes! It was better when we didn’t know ex boyfriends ended up with ugly beauty queens.
This is so incredibly true. Although, I definitely post a link to each of my blog posts on my personal Facebook account, and that might piss some people off.
I do this, too. People hate me.
So, when can we hang? You are totally my kinda’ funny gal!
Saturday at two.
So great and a little ironic. My daughter and I were just discussing FB vs. Twitter at dinner last night as I reminded her that I fear FB is just not as “cool” as it used to be. In fact, if it is not careful, it may go the way of My Space in the age of the dinosaurs.
Oh, my favorite FB post? Gotta love those that think we need to not only KNOW what they are eating for dinner, but we also need to see the beautiful photo of the carefully arranged plate with said food items. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU ARE EATING PEOPLE! Sorry about the shouting, I lost it for just a moment.
Oh yes, the infamous pic of a plate of corn pudding. If I don’t read the captions, I’m convinced its vomit for dinner at their house. Morons.
Oh, twitter.
HOW I LOVE twitter.
Addicted to twitter, and I know it.
Have never done FB. Don’t get it. Twitter: the naughty kids lunch table. The ones who couldn’t behave on FB.
I loved stealing seats at the naughty kids lunch table. Excellent comparison.
Awesome post. I agree with your whole FB assessment. I hate those posts that so-and-so read an article. Who cares?? Even worse are the posts that so-and-so is listening to The Wiggles Greatest Hits on Spotify. Who the F cares??
BTW, Your daughter is absolutely beautiful.
Isn’t she though? Wait…
FYI, I liked this post so much that I shared it on my FB page:
https://www.facebook.com/TheDudeOfTheHouse
Yessssss!
Thanks!
That twitter bird has an unfair advantage, it can fly.
I’m definitely going over to your “friend’s” house for dinner, it sounds YUMMY, and plenty of leftovers!
Plenty. And T birds wing was damaged and he still won.
I’m giving you a major standing ovation! How true and I can’t agree more with you.
Oh, its been so long since I got a standing ovation! Thanks!
It’s like you went into my brain and dug up all the stuff I think about people on Facebook. One other thing I hate? Is when people I know comment on stuff by people I don’t know, and it shows up on my NewsFeed. And? (ok 2 things) The stupid comments people I don’t know, make on photos/ status updates of people I do know. I really want to tell them to STFU!
But Twitter, yes, I love Twitter. It moves so fast, the inane shit gets bumped off quick. Woohoo!
It’s like YOU just went in MY brain. Excellent points.
Well, this is a real relief. I just recently catapulted mtself into 2005 by joining fb and twitter, and it’s been hard to tell if my impressions were right or if I just haven’t figured out how to do it yet. This pretty much confirms my suspicions, plus makes me feel a little better about friending my psycho ex-roommate. 🙂
Welcome to 2005. We’ve been waiting for you.
Though you’ve heard it all before from the comments before mine, your post is hilarious. You’ve put into words what we’re all thinking. Very funny… Cheers!
Thank you mam!!
You are so right. Twitter > Facebook if for no other reasons than there are limits to what people can say per post!
Absolutely correct. I should add that!
Facebook actually had a character limit for status updates when it first launched, then along came Twitter, so it expanded the limit trying to seem “better” than Twitter. That change made it worse, much much worse.
Congrats on the pop vote win so soon after editor’s choice. You’re now making me keep track of wins in case I’ll soon owe you or a loved one a new blog design.
I concur. Much worse. Status updates are nothing more than drones. Lengthy drones.
Thank you!!
I don’t have very many people I have “friended” on FB, and my personal rule is that I must have met you in person at least once. I have broken that rule a couple of times, and always for people who live in my town and I know I’ll run into at ShopRite eventually.
The great advantage of Facebook is being able to HIDE people without their knowing. That’s AWESOME when it comes to foolish status updates. I do always find it amusing when some people – usually those with humongous followings (or just very large chips on their shoulders) moan about losing followers after using a naughty word or talking about something mildly controversial. If you really don’t care, why do you need to moan and groan about it? That’s when I’d like a STFU button – and then I remember I have the unfollow option. Aha!
Yes! Agree with all of this! I would cancel my damn Facebook (since I know im on everyone’s ignore list anyways), but I need it to keep my blog page. I’m not a fan of FB, but I love Twitter 🙂
This. Was. AWESOME! Facebook makes me so damn mad. I’m totally starting to hate the people I like. Even the people who fall into category one. They’re not that obnoxious in real life, but apparently facebook gives them the license to be douchenuggets. Your drawing rocked so hard. I understood exactly what was going on.
spot on!
I lurk around on Facebook from time to time — but mostly to check out new posts by bloggers. The real people I know — I find sometimes, they ain’t keeping it real At All. I just left your disaster of a house where I listened to you complain about your hubby, kids, friend’s sister-in-laws-cousin-daughters-boyfriend who didn’t invite your child to a party…..and your status update: “life is so beautiful and I am blessed. Just love All The People!”
I’m a bit of twat on the Twit though….I just can’t keep up with the constant stream of tweets. It’s just….oh wait, look Squirrel!
where was I?
Wow, that’s really accurate. Like, disturbingly so. If you need me I’ll be over here thinking about how I conduct myself on FB v. Twitter…
True story. But you must keep those friend numbers up, even if you only met them once to ask for directions, or you LOSE THE FACEBOOK FRIEND CONTEST. And no one wants that.
I have to say that I stopped worrying about how many friends I have on FB…but really that’s only because I obsess now over how many FB *fans* and Twitter followers I have 😀
Great post! I’m a Twitter fan too. I’m not good at engaging on FB. If I weren’t needing to promote my blog I’d probably never go on FB.
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