I have to come right out and say that I am stoned out of my head right now on Advil PM. I am not a junky. I do not participate in snorting or smoking anything that would cause me to wear an orange jumpsuit and join the Women’s Division of Gangster Disciples. I get scared and urinate myself just watching Locked Up. I could never hang in the system.

I just had a small black out. What was I saying?

Oh, yeah, Advil PM. Advil PM is as hard core as I get when it comes to pharmaceuticals. (I totally rock because I’m half lit and I still spelled pharmaceuticals without ANY help from Spell Check. I can also spell deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA, for short. Well, I’m not sure if I spelled that correctly, but who cares at this point? I’ve completely forgotten what I was talking about anyway).

Oh, yeah, Advil PM. I was electrocuted this afternoon. Really, I was. I was standing in wet mud and touched a metal door and nearly crapped my pants, whilst, yes whilst, my arm felt as if it were a flaming pile of Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth. This really happened. But it’s totally not funny. Not to me.

Oh, yeah, the Advil PM kicks in here. I was so numb in my hand, followed by a throbbing headache, that I had to partake in the Advil PM. And I am nearly looped out of my mind because of it. You should see me when I have to occasionally pop a hydrocodone for the slipped disc in my back. I’ve been known to bay at the moon and knock off convenient stores. I didn’t say that. And you can’t prove I did. Except for the fact that I’ve plainly written it right up there. 

But, I am not here to blog about my drug problem. Wait, my back problem. Or my electrocution problem. Rather, I am here to give a humongous shout out to my lady, Katie, over at The Somewhat Sane Mom.  She totally rocks, and she makes me giggle…frequently. She was kind enough to bestow a Sunshine Award to me because I am such a friggin ray of sunshine. And I will burn your face if you stay around me too long without sunscreen.

 I am supposed to tell things about myself and then pass this award along to other awesome blog people, but I am in no mental state to do that. I am liable to summon Gerflaxk from the planet Nehhuyta and promote his blog on The Correct Way to Probe Kentucky-ians. You really don’t want me to promote that one. (Wait. Is it Kentucky-ians, Kentucky-ites, What the hell am I even saying at this point)?

Anyway, I just wanted to express my thanks for receiving this award. If you really want some entertaining literature, that isn’t Advil PM induced, check out the list of blogs I follow. I gua-ran-tee (in the voice of the old Lousiana-ian guy in overalls that promoted Ruffles in the 80’s) that you will laugh your tube socks off. It’s Spring! It’s time for tube socks to come off anyway.

What did this person just say? Is she really attempting to write a book? And have it published? The answer is yes. It will be taught in elementary school. Right along with that math book with the roller skate on the front. Homeschool your children so they will not be exposed to my mind. You’ll thank me later.

Good day, sir.

I SAID, GOOD DAY!

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