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Don’t Touch That Cow!

Susannah B. Lewisby Susannah B. Lewis
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When you have kids, you do things you really don’t want to do. That’s part of being a parent, right?

Hey, let’s go down to the petting zoo so I can worry for the rest of the afternoon that we’ve contracted E-coli from the feces hanging from that sheep’s face.

Hey, let’s go down to the park so I can sweat my ass off on a bench while the kids eat mulch and fall from heights.

Hey, let’s go to the carnival so I can stand around and watch dirty carnies slather mustard on corn dogs while the kids pick up a scorching case of B.O. on rickety rides.

But, we do it, don’t we? We smile and take pictures and act like we are having the grandest damn time in the world. Confession: I would rather watch my kids play safely in our own back yard and sit in the clean comfort of my back porch.

But, we go and pay ungodly amounts of money for face painting and cotton candy and cheap inflatable toys just so we can witness those little smiles on their faces.Yes, we do anything for our kids.

And I do mean anything. I sat through two hours of that Russell Brand movie, “Hop” last Easter. Oh. My. God. I would rather be probed by angry herpes-infected aliens than ever lay eyes on that heap of putrid “cinema” again.

The Safari Park is a farm not far from our home, where exotic animals roam. Yes, in a field in the rural southern United States, there are buffaloes, giraffes, gazelles and jungle species running freely while families drive through the park to admire and feed these beasts “critter chow” from their car…their nice, clean, uncontaminated car.

My daughter went with her preschool several years ago, but I’ve never had the desire to feed shit eating animals from my nice, clean, uncontaminated car. However, a few weekends ago, the kids were begging, and it was a beautiful day, so we packed up the brood and headed to the park. 

As soon as we pulled in, my eyes feasted upon this. I knew I was in for a treat. I don’t like camels. I don’t like mini vans. I call this “Feeding the Caravan from the Caravan.”

Moving on.

We saw a couple of jackasses, buffaloes, and emus were everywhere. I don’t do emus, either. Every time I turn it on “When Animals Attack”, those crazy bastards are the star of the show.

I was dodging a Zebra and some kind of rabid defecating mule crossing the road when a beautiful peacock caught my eye. I slammed on the brakes and shouted, “Oh, baby! Grab the camera and get a shot of that beautiful pea-WHAT THE *#@*!”

Leave it to some dirty pigs to ruin a beautiful photo.

This one is simply titled, “Pigcock.”

Further on up the road were a pack of cows. Wait, I should have written “herd”. Cows don’t come in packs. Cigarettes, gum, and wolves come in packs. I kind of like the term “pack of cows.” It’s official. I am changing the word from herd to pack. This rule applies to everyone in the universe. Please make note of this.

So, a pack of cows approached the car. One cow reached his head so far in the passenger seat that he was slobbering on my gear shift (I hate when that happens). My husband started spazzing and was yelling for me to “just drive.” Sure, I’m going to slam on the gas with half of a cow stuck in my car. Yeah, right. The meat would be so torn up that I couldn’t even make Manwhich with that shit.

I was laughing hysterically at my husband flipping out about the cow overtaking him in the passenger seat, and I didn’t have the strength to take a photo of the attack. I was more focused on not peeing on myself. I did a get a photo of the cow before he lunged inside the car with us, though.

This one is called, “Leader of the Herd Pack”.

My husband and I were riding along and joked about redneck hunters riding through the park and shooting animals from their sunroof. I could only imagine the horror on the little old lady’s face at the front gate when a pick up truck of rednecks pulled out with a dead caribou and asked if she knew were the nearest tagging station was. Okay, maybe that’s not funny, but it kind of is. That should be in a movie.

A llama rushed my SUV, I slammed on the brakes again, and I noticed a pile of bones on the ground. I leaned out of the car and took a photo. I thought the Smarties wrapper nestled amongst some mighty animal’s remains made it all so “bittersweet.”

Just when I thought we were past the bovine part of the tour, a Texas Longhorn appeared entirely too close for comfort. I frantically rolled up my window. He was sniffing or preparing to charge, and his horns kept snagging my tire. Would I be the first person to call the local Goodyear and say, “Hey, guys. A Texas Longhorn punctured my tire today. Can you help a sister out?”

On a side note, damn my window was dirty.

Once the driving portion of the trip was through, we stopped off at the petting zoo. This is not a good place for a germophobe, but I bit my tongue and tried to figure out how much bleach and antibacterial soap I should add to the Mr. Bubble bath that night.

I don’t want a giraffe’s tongue on anything I own. Especially my children. 

I shouted strict orders, in German, for my entire family to get their asses to the nearest hand washing station and stay put until I was satisfied that the billions of germs, mites, parvo, distemper, mange and whatever else they had come in contact with had been scalded in hot water and wasn’t hitching a ride back home with us. I know, I sound like loads of fun, don’t I? Is it a wonder that my husband wants to put duct tape over my mouth (in a non-sexual way), my 5 year old rolls her eyes at me, and my 2 year old has a funny little habit of covering his ears when I am speaking? Well, I can’t help it. I love them and want to protect them. Becoming a dictator is the only way I know how to do that!

If my children end up hiding from me in the attic, I will assume that the dictator thing isn’t working out so well. I will also assume that my small, square mustache scares them.

Too many Hitler references?

On the way back to the car, which was covered in various animal slobber and sending my anxiety through the roof, I caught a glimpse of this. I don’t know how to explain it, however, I can understand why people that aren’t from the south think we are all a bunch of morons.

Only in the south will you find an out of order microwave sitting on top of a first aid kit, in a box, next to a bug sticky trap, in a wood-paneled room, 25 feet from a giraffe. I’m sorry, America.

Anyway, it actually turned out to be a fun family day that I will always remember. As always, seeing my kids smile and hearing their laughter really does make anything worthwhile…even being attacked by a cow inside my car and chronically worrying about rabies.

The moral of this story?

Pack some hand sanitizer and enjoy your kids today!

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

Susannah B. Lewis

Susannah B. Lewis

Wife, Mama, Author, Humorist, Podcaster, Southerner, Jesus Follower, CEO of Twelve Tails Farm.

57 comments

  2. Wily Guy says:

    “remember that time when the cow stuck his head in the car” hopefully that is funny long before the eulogy tht it shows up in…

    I’m a bit a of germy, so I don’t like the petting zoos. I went indoor rock climbing this weekend and that is 3 hours of enjoying what junior dug from his hind parts. It seemed a bit dangerous and tiring to stop and clean each rock on the way up.

    Very funny as always.

    WG
    http://itsmynd.com

  3. Gia says:

    Hahaahh good for you for doing all that for them. I feel like I need to ask my mom if she REALLY enjoyed taking us to all those carnivals/zoos etc etc. But maybe I don’t want to know the answer…

  4. Your Doctor's Wife says:

    When we were kids my parents took us to one of these types of zoos. Our car was surrounded by wild animals. I’m still suffering from it today. I’ve never taken the kids to the zoo.

  5. Delilah Love says:

    I think I might have just tinkled myself. That was one hell of a photobomb in the “pigcock” photo. I woke up Husband with my snorting laughter. This was perfect!

  6. Vanessa says:

    That peacock or pigcock or whatever is hilarious. I’m glad you had a nice outing, even if it did bring out the germophobe in you.

  7. Joe says:

    If you saw feces hanging from a sheep, then you were not looking at it’s face. It must have been one ugly sheep.

  8. carrie says:

    BAhahahah! Pigcock. Awesome. I’m glad that you had fun despite having to decontaminate everyone when you got home! lol.

  12. Kathy Kramer says:

    I thought you had me laughing like a lunatic at “I would rather be probed by angry herpes-infected aliens than ever lay eyes on that heap of putrid “cinema” again.”, until I saw Pigcock. Excuse me, I need to change my pants. 😉

  14. Dawn Beronilla says:

    I love the “pack of cows”! You have officially converted me.
    I wish we had something like this here, it sounds like the perfect combination of family fun and fuel for my neurosis. Haha!

  16. Stephanie B. @B4Steph says:

    You are in fine form. Like everyone else said, the dirty pigs ruining a good photo was laugh out loud hilarious. As was the rest of it. The microwave on top of the first aid kit – nice. Your sense of humor is, well, humorous. I love it.

  18. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms says:

    1. Changing herd to pack. Check. I’ll even use it in a sentence to cement it-That pack of cows sure looks tasty.
    2. Pigcock made the whole trip worthwhile.
    3. Are there ever too many Hitler references?
    4. You forgot about scabies.

    You’re welcome, Ellen

  19. Kristin says:

    I don’t think I could do it. Having an animal hanging into my car window would make me want to go to the car wash with the windows down.

  21. robyn says:

    Your hilarious post was just what I needed at the end of a loooong day – one huge extendo-laugh. I have no witty comment to add, just a thank you. Oh, and also that I used to work at a zoo and can tell you it’s a miracle anyone has ever taken a picture near two pigs without them getting nasty in the background. The guys have a corkscrew penis that spins around while they chase their lady friends, and it’s top on my life list of things I wish I could unsee.

  22. Shan says:

    I literally laughed out loud. I think the third to last paragraph offers enough redeeming value that perhaps you could submit this piece as promotional marketing for this drive-through zoo. I can’t believe this place exists. I would have been shouting in German too!

  23. Kathy says:

    LOL! Your post brought back memories – Me and my hubby visited one of those Safari parks a couple years ago.

    What I learned is that if a buffalo wants the bucket of critter chow, it is best not to argue and if you don’t feed a llama when you pass it the first time, it will hunt you down. 😀

  26. Vivian says:

    The pigs reminded me when I went to the zoo with my youngest years ago. She saw the tortoises going at it. She shouted, “Look those tortoises are fighting.” My sister and I were laughing too much to explain to her what really was happening.

  30. mannahattamamma.com says:

    there isn’t enough hand sanitizer in the world…could you fill the kiddie pool with it? thank you for stripping the false front off these places, which so totally skeeve me out I refuse to go anymore – i let my mother take the kids: let the old people and children die from pigcock-itis, I say.

  31. Adrienne says:

    BAHAHAHA!! “Only in the south will you find an out of order microwave sitting on top of a first aid kit, in a box, next to a bug sticky trap, in a wood-paneled room, 25 feet from a giraffe. I’m sorry, America.” So freakin’ funny! This trip would have given me a mad case of anxiety!! And I hate carnivals!

  32. Erin says:

    I love animals, but only if I have a lot of hand sanitizer around! your photos MAKE this post. Love it and at the same time I totally understand how you must’ve felt!
    😉

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