Big news, my friends.

My mother burped during a meditation session at a spa party last week. It totally broke everyone’s concentration. I just love that woman.

My kid fell down and bumped his head. Now he’s putting two and three word sentences together. Coincidence?

Our swimming pool is finally completed, and Hubs and I were slinging sod for 2 days to repair the damage that they left behind in our yard. Now I look at grass with awe and respect. I’m almost afraid to mow it. It just seems cruel.

My daughter informed me that she doesn’t want a puppy for Christmas. She wants a baby dog. She’s too cute for me to explain that this is the same thing. Still, she’s not getting either.

I’ve leaped out of my depression, and I have come to the conclusion that it was probably just another case of out of whack hormones. Now I’d like to sic rabid monkeys on my estrogen levels. I still can’t find any on Craigslist. If you know where I can score some psycho defecating primates, give me a holla.

I got a lot of excellent suggestions on my novel. It’s coming along nicely, and I am so thankful to all of my Interweb friends for their comments and encouragement. You kids are cool.I will spare you when I start an armed revolution. Jokes, people. Just jokes.

Olivia Newton-John still hasn’t come to town. It’s like waiting on the chickenpox. No one looks forward to getting them, but they are sure as hell glad when the damn things have come and gone.

My fabulous friend, Jen at JLee’s Blog, nominated me for The Illuminating Blogger Award.

Do you know what this means?

I’m a bright beacon of light that shines forth on the world of blogging. And I’m not just talking about that huge red zit on my chin that produces warmth and light.

So, here are the rules. Again, I’m usually all damn the man when it comes to rules, but I’m always so thrilled when I receive an award that I gladly comply. Blogging awards rob me of my rebel-ness, if you will, but it’s a small price to pay.

Let me give JLee some kudos before I go on.

First of all, the girl is absolutely gorgeous. Her blog profile picture looks like on of those that comes with a picture frame. And we all know that they don’t put hags in picture frames. Only the best comes in that 5×7. Only the best. I dig pretty. I dig Jen.

Secondly, she’s funny. You all know I dig funny. I dig Jen.

Thirdly, she’s nice to me via the Twitter and the Blogger. With so many asshats roaming the Internet, it’s always refreshing to find a nice person. She leaves me awesome comments and tweets and she nominated me for a blogging award. Come on, now. That’s nice. I dig nice. I dig Jen.

So, if you dig pretty, funny and nice, then visit JLee’s Blog.

And now the rules for accepting The Illuminating Blogger Award:

• Visit the award site, leave a comment, tell everyone who nominated you, and thank the blogger, including a link back to their site.
• Share a random thing about yourself.
• Select 5 or more nominees and notify them that they’ve won the award.
• Put the award on your blog somewhere.

Random thing about myself? I’ve told you all kinds of random things about myself when it comes to passing along these awards. How I wipe boogers on my headboard because 5 steps to the bathroom is just too many when you have hardened snot hanging from your nostril. How I Lysol the Lysol bottle. How I have never tried a Rutabaga. How I’m not even sure if I spelled Rutabaga correctly. And yet you want more randomness?

I can’t sleep in socks.

During the winter, I wear socks around the house. But, come bedtime, I cannot stand the feeling of smothering my feet in socks and a comforter. It’s like there’s a midget with hot buttcheeks sitting on my feet.

But this doesn’t stop me from wearing socks when I get in the bed. I know that they will eventually have to be removed, but I keep them on while I slip under the covers.

I give it a try as if this time will be different. It is never different.

I kick the socks off, and I leave them at the foot of my bed for a week. When the time comes to wash my sheets on Friday, I have seven pair of socks in a pile at the foot of the bed. It’s really damn ridiculous.

Now, to pass along the award.

Life on Peanut Layne- Wonderful stories and humor. I just heart this blog to mother effing pieces.

Not Appropriate For All Audiences- If I had a clone, you could find my blog here. Humor and sarcasm. I just heart it to mother effing pieces.

Just Keepin It Real, Folks!- I think I’ve nominated this awesomeness before, but hell, I just heart it to mother effing pieces.

Two Beans Or Not Two Beans- My friend, Barb, has moved to France and stuff, but the country change has not changed her humor or her wonderful illustrations. I’ve been hearting her to mother effing pieces for a long time now, and I will continue.

The Slow-Dripped Life- Wonderful blog, authored by a funny and kind friend named Carrie. Hearting this one to mother effing pieces, as well!

Lady Goo Goo Gaga- Hilariousness. Pure hilariousness. I just heart it to pieces.

You expected mother effing pieces, didn’t you. Well, I like to change it up now and then.

Go read these blogs. You will be better for it. You will also have to change your underwear after urinating in them, but that’s not my problem.

Shine forth, Illuminators! Shine forth!

Illuminating Blogger Award