Damn Valentine’s candy.
Chocolate and sugar and caffeine flowed through my veins and wreaked havoc on my mind and my body as I tossed and turned for hours on Valentine’s night.
I peered over at my husband, sleeping soundly as drool dripped from his chin and air whistled through his nose hairs. I was jealous of his sleep, and I had the urge to put a booger in his hair. Because I’m childish. And I like putting boogers on people when I’m jealous of them.
No I don’t.
But I have.
I turned my pillow over every ten minutes, not enough time for the flip side to cool. I kicked and I sighed. I got up and paced the house and checked on my children. I found a Junie B. Jones book in the hallway and read a few pages. The B is for Beatrice. Junie B. is hilarious.
I stared at the Equate brand Sleep Aid in the medicine cabinet. I counted on my fingers how many hours of sleep I would get if I took the medicine NOW. I slammed the cabinet door and paced some more. I found the boy’s missing Spiderman houseshoe. I talked to the fish. The fish is hilarious.
I cursed at the Hershey’s Kisses on the kitchen counter. I opened the medicine cabinet and counted again how many hours of sleep I would get if I took the sleep aid NOW. No, NOW.
Since my children were out of school for parent teacher conference on February 15th, I didn’t have to wake incredibly early to fix Toaster Strudels and brush hair and chase the naked 2 year old around the house with Nemo underoos and Batman socks. If I took the sleeping pills at 3 am, I could still get six hours of sleep. Those kids would sleep until nine. Surely they would sleep until nine on their day off.
So I took them, and I jumped into the bed, eager to rest, to dream. I waited. I tossed. I turned.
By 5 am, I accepted the fact that I’d been defeated. Diphenhydramine was no match for the copius amounts of Ferrero Rocher caffeine. It’s cocoa-y goodness was too strong for some puny over the counter generic brand sleep aid. I needed to pull out the big guns…Ambien, Lunesta, Elephant Tranquilizer.
Unfortunately, I do not possess such pharmeceuticals. I only have the Equate brand Sleep Aid.
I sort of dozed in and out of consciousness from 5 to 6, when husband’s alarm blared. Once he was showered and out the door for work, I was free to turn on the ceiling fan (he’s anti- fan because it makes him sneeze) and sprawl across the entire bed.
FINALLY!
Sleep found me. The ceiling fan blades sliced through the air. The sound soothed me. I was so relaxed and warm and toasty beneath the down comforter that a smile covered my face. I was going to get at least two hours of wonderful sleep. Surely they would sleep until nine.
Machine Guns.
Rat-tat-tat-tattttt-tattt-tattt-tattt-tattt.
I sat up in the bed, heart pounding, wide awake, sure that Rambo was in the kitchen assaulting the stainless steel refrigerator.
Balloons. My daughter’s heart-shaped balloon bouquet had been sucked into the ceiling fan.
“Mama!!? What was that!!?”
They didn’t sleep until nine.
And neither did I.
Very funny….for us, not for you.
Yeah, I’ve learned to laugh about it.
Sleep deprivation isn’t fun. But this post was. 😉
Thank you!!
That. That is EXACTLY how insomnia feels!
Insomnia BLOWS. AND SUCKS.
Oh, I hate the nights I cannnot sleep, but your post made me giggle.
Glad to provide a giggle! Thanks!
I get insomnia every now and then. I so hate that feeling of being wide awake and knowing I’ll start getting sleepy about an hour before I have to get up. At least you got a good post out of it.
Yeah, that’s the only upside. Thanks!
Oh , I know that feeling so well, and then finally……there’s always something.
Ack! The spoils of Valentine’s Day overindulgences! Curses! Yep. I have done it too. So funny – you nailed it! Elephant tranquilizer…hahaha!
Curses!
It helps if you don’t drink anything caffinated after 7 PM. Of course, you’ll sleep like the dead the next night from exhaustion.
I hate those nights. I count the hours too, and it makes me crazy. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I just give up and hope for the best the next night.
I get that you were done sleeping after that, what I want to know is how long did it take for your heart to stop pounding.
Approximately 72 minutes.
Dang, next year I guess it’s a card only holiday exchange for you huh? Welcome to my world.
Bahhhaaa!
What??? How can you write such brilliant and hilarious blog posts on no sleep????? You are really superwoman;)
Well, Lady, I try. I really do.
Another (quite hilarious) reason why we skip Valentine’s Day every year. . . I hope you’ve recovered by now. . .
I’m getting there….thanks.
Very funny!
Thanks!
chocolate keeps you up? I must be immune to it all. I really enjoyed this especially the rat-tat-tat-ta sound.
I never knew chocolate kept me up, but its the only thing I can think of…I was a jittery mess.
Ugh… insomnia. Ugh… and kids who don’t sleep in. Ugh… I feel your pain…
I’m laughing at your story telling, as always, but not your sleep deprivation. Sucko!
Great images here, by the way. Rambo assaulting the fridge really had me cracking up.
Thank you, Kathleen. I tried to think of something REALLY loud. I’ve yet to pay forward my LIebster award. It’s been a hectic week! Forgive me! Will do soon!
You tell the best stories in your own inimitable way! Laughing and cringing – elephant tranquilizers coming right up!
Thank you! Please ship the ETranqs to my PO Box…
Your too funny! There is hope for you though. The kids will become teenagers.Teenagers sleep in, sometimes till noon! Ahhh, peacefulness.
Niiiiiice!
This is true. Someday you will be able to sleep in…someday they will get their own cereal AND let the dogs out leaving you to slumber peacefully.
Ohh that’s miserable. But funny. I hate when the balloons get in the fan, too. And I have found that if I can’t sleep and need the fan, I need only wait for my husband to fall asleep before I put it on. He never wakes up.
You have a wonderful husband. Mine wakes up at the sound of the fan switch. However, a tornado could rumble through the living room and he’d never hear it!
Ah yes…those dreaded long long dark and long long nights of sleeplessness!!! HATE ’em. SO sorry!! Love how you perfected the struggle in your own words… next time get some more coffee and chocolate and sit your cute little butt down and write! Best way to use the quiet sleepless hours. 🙂
I totally wanted to write, but anything I would’ve written at that point would be angry and scary and not worth a damn.
You’re so lucky to get a hilarious fish. Ours was defective and may have suffered from depression. At least that’s the only reason I could come up with that he’d jump out of his bowl and commit suicide?
Also, now I really really really want to blow up balloons with our ceiling fan! I think I’ll wait until it’s the weekend and my wife is sleeping in. 🙂
Hope you were able to get some sleep.
We’ve lost two fish to suicide. I don’t know why they aren’t happy here. Their bowl is close to the TV and they get fed once every three weeks.
Don’t blame me when your wife makes you sleep on your tractor for a week following your experiment.
Thanks!
There is nothing worse than taking a sleep aid too late in the night (early in the morning?) to be able to function. My kid is up around 5:30 each day and those things knock me out, so if I can’t sleep and it’s after 9:30, I’m usually doomed. Which means I’m up a lot in the night
Balloons in the ceiling fan – that sounds awful!!
It sounded awful. It literally sounded awful.
Nooooooooo!! Bad balloon. Bad bad bad. Great story. Love your writing.
Thank you!!
Sorry about the sleep, but loved this post. Oh, the balloons in the fan. Ceiling fans are so good for stories. So are sleepless nights.
OH NO lol. Damn Valentines Day. She was evil to you this year. No balloons next year… maybe just flowers. And if your going to binge of those delicious treats maybe something stronger to knock you out with!
So funny! And I love that you want to wipe boogers in people’s hair! I might have to take that up…
Oh, the balloons! That is too funny. I hate that feeling of not being able to sleep. I got restless just reading this post! Hope you found a chance to snooze later on.
I feel like I shouldn’t be laughing…!
I’ve been remiss in visiting. My loss. I’ve been in this situation, not fun, but your writing is fun to read. Terrific as always. Junie B is hilarious and so are you. While I wouldn’t recommend elephant tranquilizer I might recommend Ambien or its generic counterpart in very small doses. But I’m not a doctor and i don’t even play one on tv. I’ll have to search through your archives for an update on your novel. I wonder if I’ve missed it. I sure hope you have a delicious night’s sleep.
I love (and miss) Junie B. My daughter is now 15, so she’s not reading Junie B. any longer. 🙁
I have recently discovered your blog and I love it! You make me laugh!
Thanks for reading!!! Come back soon 🙂