Valentine’s Gifts Make A Restless Pillow

Damn Valentine’s candy.

Chocolate and sugar and caffeine flowed through my veins and wreaked havoc on my mind and my body as I tossed and turned for hours on Valentine’s night.

I peered over at my husband, sleeping soundly as drool dripped from his chin and air whistled through his nose hairs. I was jealous of his sleep, and I had the urge to put a booger in his hair. Because I’m childish. And I like putting boogers on people when I’m jealous of them.

No I don’t.

But I have.

I turned my pillow over every ten minutes, not enough time for the flip side to cool. I kicked and I sighed. I got up and paced the house and checked on my children. I found a Junie B. Jones book in the hallway and read a few pages. The B is for Beatrice. Junie B. is hilarious.

I stared at the Equate brand Sleep Aid in the medicine cabinet. I counted on my fingers how many hours of sleep I would get if I took the medicine NOW. I slammed the cabinet door and paced some more. I found the boy’s missing Spiderman houseshoe. I talked to the fish. The fish is hilarious.

I cursed at the Hershey’s Kisses on the kitchen counter. I opened the medicine cabinet and counted again how many hours of sleep I would get if I took the sleep aid NOW. No, NOW.

Since my children were out of school for parent teacher conference on February 15th, I didn’t have to wake incredibly early to fix Toaster Strudels and brush hair and chase the naked 2 year old around the house with Nemo underoos and Batman socks.  If I took the sleeping pills at 3 am, I could still get six hours of sleep. Those kids would sleep until nine. Surely they would sleep until nine on their day off.

So I took them, and I jumped into the bed, eager to rest, to dream. I waited. I tossed. I turned.

By 5 am, I accepted the fact that I’d been defeated. Diphenhydramine was no match for the copius amounts of Ferrero Rocher caffeine. It’s cocoa-y goodness was too strong for some puny over the counter generic brand sleep aid. I needed to pull out the big guns…Ambien, Lunesta, Elephant Tranquilizer.

Unfortunately, I do not possess such pharmeceuticals. I only have the Equate brand Sleep Aid.

I  sort of dozed in and out of consciousness from 5 to 6, when husband’s alarm blared. Once he was showered and out the door for work, I was free to turn on the ceiling fan (he’s anti- fan because it makes him sneeze) and sprawl across the entire bed.

FINALLY!

Sleep found me. The ceiling fan blades sliced through the air. The sound soothed me. I was so relaxed and warm and toasty beneath the down comforter that a smile covered my face. I was going to get at least two hours of wonderful sleep. Surely they would sleep until nine.

Machine Guns.

Rat-tat-tat-tattttt-tattt-tattt-tattt-tattt.

I sat up in the bed, heart pounding, wide awake, sure that Rambo was in the kitchen assaulting the stainless steel refrigerator.

Balloons. My daughter’s heart-shaped balloon bouquet had been sucked into the ceiling fan.

“Mama!!? What was that!!?”

They didn’t sleep until nine.

And neither did I.

Damn Valentine’s balloons.

Wife, Mama, Author, Humorist, Podcaster, Southerner, Jesus Follower, CEO of Twelve Tails Farm.

53 comments

  1. Marcy says:

    I get insomnia every now and then. I so hate that feeling of being wide awake and knowing I’ll start getting sleepy about an hour before I have to get up. At least you got a good post out of it.

  2. Kathleen says:

    I’m laughing at your story telling, as always, but not your sleep deprivation. Sucko!

    Great images here, by the way. Rambo assaulting the fridge really had me cracking up.

  3. Carrie says:

    Your too funny! There is hope for you though. The kids will become teenagers.Teenagers sleep in, sometimes till noon! Ahhh, peacefulness.

  4. Jester Queen says:

    Ohh that’s miserable. But funny. I hate when the balloons get in the fan, too. And I have found that if I can’t sleep and need the fan, I need only wait for my husband to fall asleep before I put it on. He never wakes up.

  5. Chris Carter says:

    Ah yes…those dreaded long long dark and long long nights of sleeplessness!!! HATE ’em. SO sorry!! Love how you perfected the struggle in your own words… next time get some more coffee and chocolate and sit your cute little butt down and write! Best way to use the quiet sleepless hours. 🙂

  6. Ken says:

    You’re so lucky to get a hilarious fish. Ours was defective and may have suffered from depression. At least that’s the only reason I could come up with that he’d jump out of his bowl and commit suicide?

    Also, now I really really really want to blow up balloons with our ceiling fan! I think I’ll wait until it’s the weekend and my wife is sleeping in. 🙂

    Hope you were able to get some sleep.

  7. There is nothing worse than taking a sleep aid too late in the night (early in the morning?) to be able to function. My kid is up around 5:30 each day and those things knock me out, so if I can’t sleep and it’s after 9:30, I’m usually doomed. Which means I’m up a lot in the night

    Balloons in the ceiling fan – that sounds awful!!

  8. Kiki says:

    Sorry about the sleep, but loved this post. Oh, the balloons in the fan. Ceiling fans are so good for stories. So are sleepless nights.

  9. OH NO lol. Damn Valentines Day. She was evil to you this year. No balloons next year… maybe just flowers. And if your going to binge of those delicious treats maybe something stronger to knock you out with!

  10. Esther says:

    Oh, the balloons! That is too funny. I hate that feeling of not being able to sleep. I got restless just reading this post! Hope you found a chance to snooze later on.

  11. I’ve been remiss in visiting. My loss. I’ve been in this situation, not fun, but your writing is fun to read. Terrific as always. Junie B is hilarious and so are you. While I wouldn’t recommend elephant tranquilizer I might recommend Ambien or its generic counterpart in very small doses. But I’m not a doctor and i don’t even play one on tv. I’ll have to search through your archives for an update on your novel. I wonder if I’ve missed it. I sure hope you have a delicious night’s sleep.

  12. Fancy Ranci says:

    I love (and miss) Junie B. My daughter is now 15, so she’s not reading Junie B. any longer. 🙁
    I have recently discovered your blog and I love it! You make me laugh!

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