Salutations, friends. It’s been an extremely long time since I’ve written a blog post, therefore, this is going to be an extremely long blog post. I hope you’ll stick around until the end, but if not, thanks for stopping by, God bless you and support our troops.

If you follow me on Facebook, then you sort of know what I’ve been up to lately. If you don’t follow me on Facebook, well then, you are seriously disturbed in the head. Shame, shame, shame on you.

I’m incredibly proud of my husband. He ranked #4 in sales in his company’s division, so his company flew us down to Miami last week so he could receive an award and so we could discover that the city was swamped with lovers of techno for some kind of DJ festival.

First and foremost, I’m terrified of flying. I had to stop off at the doctor for some “feel good” meds so that I wouldn’t go all John Lithgow from “The Twilight Zone” and have a full-fledged panic attack on the plane. I popped a Xanax before the flight and all was well. I even laughed at the turbulence. Ha ha ha, cloud bumps. You don’t scare me.

Since we were en route to Miami, of course I popped in my Golden Girls DVD for the flight. Husband was embarrassed that everyone around us was watching hip shows like “Orange is the New Black” and “Downton Abbey” and there I was with four old ladies from the 1980’s on my computer screen. The Xanax caused me not to care. Those ladies rock and I’m proud to be their #1 fan.

When we landed in Miami, I was so ecstatic to feel warmth and smell salt that I didn’t even care that my hair was growing in the humidity and I looked like Mufasa from The Lion King. The past few months in Tennessee have been ridiculous. I’m ready for winter to take it’s drunk a double s home. I’ll gladly trade my fleece coat for Einstein hair.

The first night in Miami was great. We had an elegant cocktail party and wonderful food- all complimentary. We mingled, we laughed, and we had a grand time. We slept peacefully to the sound of the waves lapping on the beach right outside the door of our posh hotel.

We spent the next day at the beach. I swore that I saw The Situation from Jersey Shore, but it turned out to be just A Mishap- not a Situation at all. We had more free drinks and food and despite my husband dousing himself in sunscreen, he burnt like Bisquick on a griddle.

I have to say that Miami Beach is a far different place than Podunk, Tennessee. I went to Miami years ago, but I don’t remember so many half-naked women and metrosexuals reeking of Drakkar Noir and punks in shirts that said things like “#SWAG” and curse words for children and the elderly to see. (They should have taken a lesson from me and worn a Golden Girls t-shirt). I am all for being yourself, expressing yourself and having a good time, but it’s obvious that kids today really have no respect- for others or themselves. I have no idea how beautiful young girls think it’s cool to walk around in nothing but a palm leaf and flat-billed hat and do Jello-shots off of strangers’ backsides. Not cool, young girls. Not cool at all.

That night we set sail on a catamaran (I’m more of a pontoon or ski boat on the river type girl) for a night cruise and the awards ceremony. We ate more fancy food, drank more champagne, and then danced on the upper deck- surrounded by the night lights of the Miami skyline. It was real high-class kind of stuff- and I was wearing heels from Target. That’s how I roll.

We mingled with some people from the company on Saturday morning, and we had the rest of the day to ourselves. We had a few Mai Tais and Mojitos and people-watched half-naked guys blowing bubbles while on Rollerblades. We relaxed by the pool and laughed for hours. Despite the Mojito consumption, I never put on a palm leaf and flat-billed hat, though. Props to me for having morals.

We had Cuban food that night and walked around South Beach. We sat on our balcony and ate Snickers bars. We watched Telemundo and tried to learn Spanish through trial and error. Good times.

We flew home on a commuter job that I swore had propellers instead of jets. Thank God for the Xanax or I would have been puking violently and requesting elephant tranquilizers. The airport lost our luggage, but we finally made it home and our precious kids greeting us with excitement and tons of hugs and kisses filled my heart with joy. Despite the same techno beat every where we went for three days, it was a great trip and wonderfully refreshing to have some grown-up time with my husband.

A few weeks ago, I had some blood work done to check for an autoimmune disease that we’ve recently discovered runs in my family- and it is hereditary. I was relieved that the phone call with the results didn’t come while on vacation, but it did come the day after we got home.

I tested negative for the autoimmune disease, thankfully, but I do have a “genetic mutation” of sorts. It is called MTHFR (I know what ugly word that reminds you of). It simply means that my body doesn’t absorb Folate and other B Vitamins correctly, and B Vitamins are extremely important for everything from cardiovascular health to fertility to mood and anxiety. As an extreme worrier, I was upset to receive this news, especially since my husband and I have been trying to conceive for quite some time, but my doctor is truly comforting and knowledgeable, and I’m dealing with it much better today.

I’m still learning about the defect, and I still have many unanswered questions, but other members of my family have discovered that they have the mutation (I think of The Ninja Turtles every time I say that word) as well and we are all learning and leaning on one another. I have faith that the Lord will take care of me and my family and I know that worry won’t do a thing to help me. I pray that it is His plan for me to have a third healthy child and I have faith that He will guide me in what steps I need to take in order to stay healthy and walk this Earth for many more years to come. Without Him and His comfort, I’d be a mess. A huge heaping mess.

Today is my little boy’s 4th birthday and he wanted to spend the day at the zoo. My husband, mother, daughter and I took him this morning and had a really awesome time. The weather was perfect, the zoo was all but empty, and none of the animals were hiding behind rocks or copulating.

We met a huge and intimidating Silverback Gorilla named Mewe or something foreign like that, and all that was between us was a piece of glass. We were watching in awe as he bit his human-like fingernails and glanced at us with human-like eyes.

“Don’t make eye contact!” I say frequently- about animals, strangers, UFO’s, hillbillies, bugs, and even Nancy Pelosi on television. I know that eye-contact can cause problems.

But, my husband had a stare-off with the beast. It was really freaking me out. The gorilla casually stood and walked towards the glass, keeping his eyes fixated on my husband’s eyes, and then he went all ape-shiz. Literally ape-shiz. He tried to attack us through the glass- his huge, hairy fists banging on the glass to the point of blood dripping from his ape hand. My poor daughter was so terrified that she screamed and tears began pouring from her eyes. My husband and my mother both muttered some expletives whilst trying to dash away, and I threw my poor, defenseless mother in front of my body as protection.

That sounds horrible- sacrificing my mother to an ape- but at least I didn’t throw my own offspring in front of me. They had already run away, screaming, but it’s not like I tripped them in order to get away from Mewe myself.

That gorilla followed us around the entire primate exhibit, making horrible sounds and giving my husband the evil eye. I don’t know how Jane Goodall and Sigourney Weaver put up with that mess.

We ended the day with a great meal and lots of kisses for the baby boy. I still can’t believe my youngest is now four years old. He brings me such joy and love and pride each and every day- and he’s definitely his mama’s baby- but I just can’t believe that he’s growing into a young little man. I never knew how quickly time flies until I became a mother.

We will be celebrating his birthday this weekend- and instead of entrusting the cake to my wonderfully talented friend, as I have done for all of my children’s birthdays, I’m going to attempt to make and decorate the cake myself. Check my Facebook page this weekend for photos of the Pinterest fail.

Today I also received word of a wonderful opportunity for my writing career. I can’ t give any details until things are official, but I’m so excited that my words will be featured in a fairly popular magazine. I hope that everything works out with this writing gig, and that I will receive monetary compensation for my work. Publicity doesn’t pay for palazzo pants, and this mama needs some new ones.

That’s the good news about my writing “career”, but the disappointing news is that my novel was rejected again. I’m thinking that I should just put it in a Rubbermaid tote and forget about it until my daughter is old enough to read it and understand what those big words that I looked up in the thesaurus mean. I’m thinking of starting a “humorous” book- because humor is fun and it comes easy to me- even when other people don’t think I’m humorous.

That’s the end, my friends. Are you still with me? Did you actually read all of this or just scroll to the bottom? Either way, thanks for the page view.

I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to blog. I have a few articles in my draft folder that I plan to work on this weekend. I just want to say that the support that I receive on social networking is amazing. When I started this blog two years ago, I had no idea that I would have so many wonderful followers and friends and amazing writing opportunities. That’s what you all are- not just strangers that think I’m funny sometimes- but you are my friends. And I love you all.

I hope you’ll continue to stick with me and when I’m on The TODAY Show, promoting my book tour and confronting Kathie Lee and Hoda about their drinking problem- you will say, “I knew her when.”

God bless you all.

Susannah

Also- another shout out to my better half for all of his hard work and receiving such wonderfully deserved recognition. We love you a whole lot, Hubs, and we are incredibly proud of you!

 

Birthday Blog Catch Up Miami MTHFR Writing Zoo