My dear friends,
I have a horrible, shameful, putrid and embarrassing secret. It’s a secret that many of my real-life friends and acquaintances don’t even know.
I’m a smoker.
Like an idiot, I’ve choked down Marlboro Lights 100’s nearly every day since 1998.
I’ve hidden behind garages, slumped down in car seats, stood in the rain, snuck out early from work, weddings, movies, baby showers, etc. just to hotbox a filthy and vile stick of cancer. I’ve even waterskied while smoking (very unsuccessfully).
I’ve believed that smoking was my friend, my confidant, my crutch and my boost for 16 years.
I was looking through an old album to find a photo to include with this post- a photo that depicted my addiction to nicotine at the young age of 17. I didn’t find one photo. I found COUNTLESS photos. Pictures of me, young and able to run without gasping for air, young and vital and ignorant- plain ignorant- with a cigarette in my hand. And if I didn’t have a cigarette in my hand, there was a pack of cigarettes in my hand or setting in front of me.
Here’s one photo, of literally hundreds, that showcase what a fool I was.
The cigarette in my hand, the cigarettes on the table, the American Eagle apparel, the bottle of root beer with the label peeled off to make me look like I was old enough to drink actual beer. All ignorance. Absolute ignorance.
I cannot imagine how many cigarettes I have smoked since the night that photo was taken in May 1999. Millions, I suppose.
I’ve watched (several) loved ones suddenly and prematurely die from smoking. I’ve watched my own health deteriorate. I’ve watched holes burn into the seats of nearly every vehicle I’ve ever owned…
I successfully quit with both of my pregnancies, under the foolish impression that I would go nine months without a cigarette, and that would be enough time to cure me forever. Not long after my beautiful healthy children were born, responsibility came. And I so foolishly confused that responsibility with stress. And I even more foolishly turned to my familiar old “stress reliever”, Mr. Marlboro. And before I knew it, I was scurrying out to the garage to burn one while my precious blessings slept in the bassinet.
I’ve had some health issues pop up recently. That coupled with the fact that I tried to jog a few weeks ago and found myself bending over the curb, hacking up lung butter as retired couples easily ran past me, I knew I had to quit. Again. And with the very thought of quitting, I became anxious and nervous and, quite frankly, pissed off.
I didn’t WANT to quit smoking, though I knew I NEEDED to quit smoking. For Heavens’ sakes, the box tells me that the things are going to give me cancer or a heart attack and end my life early, the same way they ended my father’s life, but that has never deterred me. Yes, it made me worried, but what did I do in times of worry? I smoked like a chimney.
So, I decided that I couldn’t go it alone this time. I knew I needed Chantix or Zyban or magical Leprechaun toenails or something to chemically remove the addiction from my brain. I made the decision to go to the doctor the following Monday.
Except I ran out of cigarettes on Sunday. Instead of going into sheer panic and speeding towards the gas station on two wheels, I told myself that I wouldn’t smoke anymore that evening. I just wasn’t going to do it.
The withdrawals soon kicked in, and after Googling tips for dealing with the horrible urges, I came across a review for Allen Carr’s “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking”. After reading a thousand stellar reviews and watching YouTube Videos of Ellen DeGeneres and Ashton Kutcher swearing by it, I downloaded the book to my Kindle (I’ve included links to the entertaining videos by Ellen and Michael Kelso).
I read the book in a few hours. When I finished the last page, I had a completely different mindset than when I had started the first page. I was also confident that I wasn’t going to the doctor on Monday for a miracle pill. I just wasn’t going to smoke anymore- content cold turkey style.
The book didn’t drone on about how harmful cigarettes are or try to scare me into stopping. My mother and the media have been trying to do that for years. Instead, the book addressed the crippling fear that smokers face at the mere thought of cessation.
I associate smoking with good times- weekends, laughter, hanging out by the pool, reading, writing, listening to music, talking on the phone, the waterskiing, even my wedding…..
(Even as a smoker for all of these years, I kept this photo OUT of the wedding album because I knew it was embarrassing and the trashiest, most redneck photo that I’ve ever been in. There’s nothing beautiful and lovely and princess-like about a scrunched-up face hotboxing horrible, vile, putrid nicotine behind the reception hall. But, I can actually bear to look at this photo now, after ten long years. It’s like looking my demon square in the face and saying, “Hey, your breath smells like an ashtray.”)
Anyway, I’ve always associated smoking with the fun and exciting times in my life, but smoking didn’t make those things fun. Did the earrings that I wore or the nail polish color that I chose for the occasion actually make those occasions special? No. And the cigarette didn’t either.
As I read the book, I realized just how extensively I had been brainwashed for over a decade. I began to understand what non-smokers already know- that nicotine isn’t a friend, a confidant or a boost. Nicotine is an enemy.
I was paying my enemy a fortune to kill me.
And I also realized that being smoke-free didn’t mean I was being deprived of anything. On the contrary, I was only deprived while smoking- deprived of oxygen, health, relaxation, money and freedom. Since I am not being deprived of anything good, I now know that I shouldn’t be moping around depressed and mad at the world and everyone in it. I should be rejoicing!
And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for a whole week.
A week. It sounds like a measly milestone, right? Seven little days. But this is the longest, with the exception of my pregnancies, that I have successfully gone without smoking- not even slipping up once- and MOST IMPORTANTLY- this is the longest I’ve gone without smoking and BEEN COMPLETELY CONTENT AND HAPPY ABOUT IT.
I’m not mourning the loss of an old friend. I’m celebrating the fact that I’m no longer in bondage.
In seven days, I’ve endured several mega-stressors, attended social functions and even watched an episode of “Mad Men”, and I didn’t slip up once. I didn’t get incredibly anxious or run to the gas station to eat a whole pack.
I dealt with it. I used the techniques in the book, and I’ve easily conquered the nicotine troll.
If you don’t smoke, then hallelujah and praise God! But if you do, I’m writing this post for you (and I’m writing it without puffing on poison, which is a miracle in itself since I’ve always associated writing with smoking). Read the book. You have nothing to lose but charred lungs and stank breath.
You can do it. Trust me. You can. Easily. Yes, I said easily.
I firmly believe, for the first time, that I’m not going to smoke again. Not tomorrow, not next week, not when I’m 80. If one day I am shuffling towards the exit sign at my convalescent home, I’ll be shuffling out for fresh air, not rat poison and tar.
And let me rephrase what I said at the beginning of the post.
I said I was a smoker.
I’m a non-smoker, and thank God for it.
*Insert the tune of Aladdin’s “A Whole New World” for dramatic effect*
Ignurnt = The Southern form of “ignorant”.
You have no idea how many people you will help by writing this. I have already forwarded to a friend of mine who will totally relate.
I really hope it will help many! Thanks for sharing it with your friend. If I can do it, anyone can. 🙂
Congratulations on quitting, Susannah! Before I got to the part where you mentioned quitting, I was gonna say “Cut that shit out, right now!” 😉 My mother in law snuck cigarettes for years and never lived to see her grand babies. Huge kudos to you for realizing you needed to quit and doing it!
And on a completely unrelated note, guess what I just bought and am teaching myself to play?
A banjo!! Of course I thought of you. 🙂
Thank you Linda! When you learn the dueling banjos from Deliverance, send me a video. We can do a Banjo Battle….ha! 🙂
So proud of you Susie!! It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to breathe 🙂
Yessum it is! Thanks!
Congratulations! I’m done 5 years, 4 months! Never give up and never go back.
Thanks and congratulations to you! I cannot wait to hit the 5 year mark!
This is good stuff. Proud of you.
Thank you Carla!
Congrats girl! I will have 6 yrs on Aug 2nd..one day at a time girly!
One day at a time, sweet Jesus. Literally. Thanks Mickie and congrats to you, too!
So happy for you. I knew you could do it!
Thank you Summer! ♡
I hope you find continued success. I have never smoked, so I can’t say I understand how difficult it is to quit, but I do know I have a very hard time not eating and drinking the things I love, so I would say I don’t have great will power.
My mom died a terrible death from smoking-related cancer. She had tongue and throat cancer and at the end of her life she was unable to speak and the cancer actually ate a hole in her neck. She smoked about 40 years and sort of quit for the last 20 years of her life. She said she quit and she never smoked in front of us, but we knew she still smoked and I regret that I did not force the issue with her. She was otherwise very healthy and we’re super sad she’s gone.
Good luck and keep with it. Your kids and husband will be happy you did.
Im so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing with me and leaving a comment! God bless.
My husband read this very same book and it helped him quit too! He’s been smoke-free for about 8 years. I’m so glad to hear it’s working for you!!!
Thanks girl! 🙂 And congrats to Hubs!
Sooo stinking proud of you I could just bust!! :-). *hugs*
Thanks lady! 🙂 I’m proud of YOU!
I missed seeing you at the Birthday Party yesterday! 🙁
I was not working but stopped by to go run and swim.
Got to see those Good Lookin Men and that Beautiful little lady that belongs to you tho! 🙂
Missed you! Will see you soon!
Summer of 1964, I did a cold turkey quit when we spent a month touring Europe during our summer vacation time. Never went back and still happy about it! Good for you!
Awesome! Thanks so much. Love hearing encouraging stories like yours!
OHMYGOSH YOU DID IT!!!!! I am SOOOO EXCITED for your liberation!!!! Oh Susannah… I don’t want to!! But oh the bondage! Really? It really is that easy this time? *Talk to me, girl*
Going to go smoke now and think about this… lol
Well, I did it. I bought the damn book. I think you might be the ONLY one who I would trust with this… I’m already an anxious mess just thinking about it! True addict, eh? Will let you know when I get it.
SO glad I finally came over here! I HATE that I don’t get your posts in my inbox anymore. Don’t know what on earth happened to all my email subscribed blogs… they just all but a few disappeared. ACK.
LOVE YOU. SO. MUCH. And I am SO proud of you!!!!!!!!
My sweet Chris. You CAN do this. Pinky promise! I just messaged you more details 🙂
I just read this article on your tango and I am happy to now be signed up to recieve Your newsletters. Thanks for sharing your story! So now 6 months later I see you originally wrote this…how are you doing with this now?
Hi Stacy! Thanks for signing up! I’m still doing well. I admit I had to re-read the book as a refresher in November, but it worked like a charm again and kept me from falling off the wagon in a weak moment. It’s definitely worth the read. I sure loved my cigarettes but now the smell makes me sick. It totally changed my thinking. Thanks for following!