Last night while Googling “Newfoundland puppies for sale”, this girl’s blog came up and I got caught up in her world of boring a$$ bullcrap for what seemed like for freaking ever. She droned on and on about what she wants to do and who she wants to be when she “grows up”, (she was 19. Oh, to be 19 again!). After I got in bed and couldn’t sleep because I was hot as a kitten in a wool sock, I got to thinking about things I used to dream about doing, but I never will, and here is my boring a$$ bullcrap that will go on for what seems like for freaking ever.

1. ROCK-I knew the words to Buffalo Springfield’s, “For What It’s Worth”, before I knew the Pledge of Allegiance. This is truth. And, strangely enough, I liked it. I don’t know of any other kids that liked Woodstock tunes as opposed to nursery rhymes, but I did. And then my little life was thrown into a tailspin when I learned about a “truly outrageous” rocker named Jem. Jem was the bomb. She was my Hannah Montana, but way cooler. She always stole Ken from Barbie when I played dolls in my room. At that moment, my chubby 8 year old ass swore I would grow up to rock like Jem. There is one major problem—I can’t sing. Again, for all those that were greatly affected by my karaoke performance of Stevie Nick’s “Edge of 17”, I apologize again and no, my insurance will not cover your ENT doctor’s visits. Your ruptured eardrum is your problem.

When I was 15, my mom taught me 3 guitar chords, and I seriously thought I was on my way to stardom. After learning my first song, Neil Young’s “Heart of Gold”, which is so incredibly easy that Helen Keller could play it, I figured I would be a guitar prodigy in a matter of weeks if I kept practicing. I got better and learned more chords, but prodigy I am not. From the ages of 7 to 13, I took piano and theory at least once a week. I got good at the piano, but the theory part was always hard for me. Turns out I’m like my mama and would rather play by ear than read a single note of music. (For those of you who haven’t heard my mommy play, I’ve got videos of her posted in my older blogs. She is indeed a “prodigy” because she can’t read a single note of music, but she can play like a rock star!) After getting scolded by teacher after teacher for not reading my music, I got burnt out on piano and didn’t touch our piano for years. I started playing again once I had Natalie and started staying home, but by the time I get as good as I once was, I will be 40, and I don’t see a high demand for 40 year old women pianists. So, my dreams of spelling my name like Siouxsie and the Banshees and playing some clubs in Seattle has been dashed.  I will forever be the girl that goes to see bands play and thinks my air guitar skills are so intense that the band will see me and call me onstage. This will never happen. Unfortunately, this is as close to Jem as I will ever get……

Susannah as Jem-Halloween 89

2. If I can’t ROCK, at least LOOK like I can ROCK! I want pink hair. I don’t think this will go over well in Sunday school or PTO meetings or my son’s playgroup. I want to wear a hoodie, break out my tattered blue jeans and buy a pair of Vans. But, at my age, this is going to look incredibly silly. The nose stud won’t go over well at church, either. So, I will keep shopping at Macy’s and wear linen pants and sundresses in the summertime. And, I will still wear my straw hats when I “garden” and look like I stepped right out of a Tampax commercial.

3. Be an author. When I was 17, I wrote a 2 page article on how “Dark Side of the Moon” changed my life. After I sobered up and ate a Schwan’s roast beef sandwich and re-read my piece, I realized that Rolling Stone will never publish it. I have box upon box of short stories, poems and novels that will forever just sit in my closet floor and never see the light of day. After majoring in English, writing was driven right out of me, and I have no passion to finish any of my stories. I’ve been suffering writer’s block for 4 years and see no signs of my desire to write ever returning, which means I will never get to sign my work at Barnes and Noble and have angry girls with pathetic lives join on Tuesday nights to eat Salsa and discuss my novel at their book club. I do some freelance work every once in a while, and it pays pretty well, but I wish I still had the drive to sit down and write chapter upon chapter into the early morning hours like I used to. Maybe this writer’s block will go away, but I am not so sure.

4. Backpack across Europe before I’m 30. This isn’t going to happen because 30 is creeping up on me quicker than I’d ever imagined, and I don’t even own a backpack. And after watching “Locked up Abroad”, I’m scared to leave the state, much less the country. Not that I smuggle drugs, but I seem like an easy target for someone to slip some “H” in my bag while I step outside the airport to smoke a cigarette and then I get tagged for the whole thing.

5. Write for SNL. This ain’t gonna happen, either. Saturday Night Live has become so incredibly stupid that I wouldn’t even want my name associated with that garbage, but I used to think that I would definitely write some stupid sketch for people to perform before I turned 30. If I couldn’t write a sketch for the Teen Advisors in high school, then I’m highly unlikely to write one for Tina Fey or whoever in hell is on SNL now days. I quit watching when Will Ferrell left anyway.They could never possibly top the More Cowbell episode with Christopher Walken and Will Ferrell.

6. Be the person in charge of putting music in movies. This seems lame, but when I watch movies, I always think of a song that would be good background music to whatever scene is playing. It really gets on my nerves because sometimes it interferes with the movie I’m watching and I get to thinking about the song and what album it was on and then I remind myself to download it when the movie goes off, and by this time I am confused as to what in hell is happening on the screen. But, still, it would be a cool job, but I don’t think I will ever have it, considering I don’t see any job openings for a Movie Music Supervisor or whatever it is called in Podunk, Tennessee. 

So, here are only six things I would like to do, but I don’t think these things were planned for my life. I majored in English and then spent another 3 years in college to acquire a Bachelor in Business Management and I don’t even use it. Even though I haven’t done any of these things, I consider myself pretty cool, and even better, I have two pretty cool kids that are my heart and pride and joy. And if they want to have pink hair one day, I won’t say a word.