I can’t wrap a present for shart.
Until I was 24 and married, my mother had always wrapped gifts for me. Always. And my mother can wrap the heck out of a present. I’m talking clean folds, homemade bows, classy looking stuff. She wraps the kind of present that looks so good sitting under the tree that you want to photograph it, and then kick the crap out of it because you can’t gift wrap that well.
I may have inherited my mother’s sense of humor and her dashing good looks and aversion to gluten, but I sure didn’t inherit her present wrapping skills.
My wrapping job was so bad last year that I blamed it on my five year old daughter.
I asked her to help me, and when it turned out looking as if the gift had fought and died in WWII, I just smiled as the recepient gawked at it. Then I told them, “Daughter helped me wrap”, and I gave a wink.
In reality, my five year old daughter can actually wrap a present better than I can.
A couple of years ago, I got that wrapping paper for dummies. You know, the paper that has lines on it to help you measure and cut straight.
Didn’t help.
I still ended up with too much on one end, not enough on the other, and slack in places that don’t need slack.
Last night I attempted to wrap a book for my daughter’s Christmas party at school. Yes, a book. A simple, square object. Not a stop sign. Not a refrigerator. Not a 1983 Chattanooga Choo Choo conversion van with ladder and spare tire. I attempted to wrap a square book.
And I’m not talking War and Peace. I’m talking a super thin Scholastic paperback about some chick named Pinkalicious turning wierd colors because she ate wierd stuff.
See the corners? The overhang?
Do you know what that purple line is?
That purple line is the book. It is the actual book. Part of the actual book is showing.
And why is a book about pink stuff actually purple? Ponder that one.
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I wrap a Christmas present?
If an evil elf by the name of Grizwald held me at sharp candy cane point and told me that my life depended on wrapping a small square box, it wouldn’t fair well on my end.
You may be saying, “Whoa, Susannah. Just use gift bags.”
I do, my friends. I do. But some things just won’t fit in a gift bag. I know. I tried to stuff a golf club in one.
I was invited to a gift wrapping party last year. I was too embarassed to go. I could just hear the ladies snickering over the sound of Bing Crosby and the smell of their Merry Berry Scentsy warmers.
“Oh my God, Becky. Look at her present. It is so big.”
“It’s just a Sir Mixalot CD. Why is it so big?” asks Beck.
At which point I exit from the bathroom, mascara stains on my cheek and spiked egg nog on my breath, and I sob, “it’s so big because I used too much paper. I just kept wrapping the paper around it until it snowballed.”
And Becky replies, “That present is just so round and big. It’s like out there. Gross.”
No idea how I digressed onto Sir Mixalot.
I hate rap.
And wrap-ping.
I suck at wrapping too. These days I just convince myself I was going for that wrapped by an old man in re-used wrapping paper.
My Aunt used to lay out the Christmas gifts in their size appropriate boxes and then have her daughters wrap the box lids. That’s right – they wrapped their OWN presents. Genius isn’t it?
Genius!!!
I love the perfectly wrapped gifts, coordinating paper and bows, and all that fancy frilly things, but just can’t do it. So I just wrap and honestly, if you get a bow on your gift, consider yourself lucky.
Amen!
There is no excuse for part of that book to show…you only need to cut another piece of paper or two and some extra scotch tape to cover it up.
Yeah, I worked it out!
Oh my gah – me too. I stinketh mucheth. My Mom also does all that fancy stuff, and my sister-in-law is all matchy-matchy with coordinating tulle ribbon for a waspy, magical effect…yeah. They get paper and a sticker name tag. It’s the thought, and what’s inside after all, right?
Exactly right!!
Pinkalicious? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? This is a children’s book? That is just wrong. Or maybe I just have a dirty mind. Probably that. Baby Got Back IS one of my favorite songs.
No, I have a dirty mind, too. There’s also a Purpleiscious and Silveriscious. Silveriscious is for the geriatric fans..
haha that was so entertaining and don’t worry my house mate and I spent one hour last night wrapping a calendar, yes big square calendar. We did such a bad job we had to stick extra paper on it and then put loads of bows on it!!Last year I bought presents on amazon and they wrapped it – greatest idea of my life
Wonderful idea! I need to do this!
I dislike wrapping gifts but I’m very good at it. Too much time working in a Barnes & Noble. I also like Sir-Mix-A-Lot, he’s a classic! There just no accounting for taste anymore, huh? 😉
You wrap presents well. And you worked at Barnes and Noble. Hate you….
Jokes, just jokes.
Any post that can go from wrapping presents to rapping Sir Mix A Lot is by far my favorite!! Oh so very much my favorite!
Whoo hoo!!Thanks!
I so feel your pain.
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