It doesn’t take much to make me feel overwhelmed.
One glance at the sink with crusted dishes spilling forth or the laundry room with piles of stained jeans tumbling from the baskets and I go into psycho mode. That dust bunny under the entertainment center, those Thomas trains in the middle of the living room floor, the mildew stain that’s impossible to remove from the shower door- those things all make me panic-y.
Right now, my dishwasher is humming and my washing machine is roaring. I just vacuumed Cheerios from the kitchen floor quickly so I could rush to get the bed made . My dysfunctional OCD need to keep my house spotless simultaneously fuels and frustrates me. I’m always feeling overwhelmed because as soon as I get one thing done, my mind is racing about the next task at hand. And once the house is sanitized like an OR, the next task usually involves writing. That’s why my blog was originally called, “Write, Rinse, Repeat”. That is my life.
I long more than anything to be a published author. I want to reach overnight viral celebrity blogging status like that chick that wrote the post about the Elf on the Shelf. I want to speak at BlogHer conferences. I want to reach 23k likes on my blog Facebook page- without paying for them. I want to share my creativity, my thoughts and my stories with the world. I want to do all of these things, but, like keeping my house clean, I’m completely overwhelmed and frustrated about it all.
I’ve tried so hard to have my book published- with no bites from big-time literary agents. I’ve re-read and re-edited the thing twelveteen million times. I’ve done countless hours of research on where to submit it. I’ve started new books and added chapters to old ones. I’ve entered short story contest after short story contest and blog link-ups and submitted content all over the place and, quite frankly, I’m tired. And I’m overwhelmed.
I scramble around the house while my children are at school- dusting and mopping and making the grocery list and picking those stupid black beetle bugs that get stuck on their back from the rug. I spray Shout on unidentifiable stains, I rearrange the closets, I clean out the toy box, I curse at Space Bags that don’t work properly and then I rush to sit down at the computer and see where I can share my writing today. I try to edit my book. I email and annoy other writers just to drop my name into their ear.
My copy of the 2014 Novel and Short Story Writer’s Market sits on my nightstand, overwhelming me. I need to open it, but I know it will only produce more confusion and stress. I need to enter every contest that I see in that book, pitch my novel to every agent listed there- just as soon as I Clorox the toilet bowl, fold the towels and water the dying peace lily in the den. I don’t really want to do those things, but I need to do them. I wish I didn’t need to do them, but I do.
The point is- my writing has become a chore. Just like the cleaning, the washing, the making of beds- my writing, which was once a hobby that I truly loved- has become a mundane chore.
And I’m so busy with my “chores” that I’m not paying attention to the important things. I need to read to my boy more often. I need to put down the mop and pick up the Llama Llama Red Pajama book. I need to forget about blog link ups and play school with my daughter. Writing, blogging, sharing, pimping myself throughout the Interwebs- all of that takes up a huge amount of time and makes me feel just as overwhelmed than the chili splatters in the microwave.
I remember a line from the first rejection letter that I received-“This is a very subjective business.”
I worry when, oh when, will I ever find the literary agent that loves my stuff? When will the right person share my post and send millions of fans my way? When will I actually be PAID for my words? When will writing become a business instead of an un-fruitful chore? When will I sell millions of books and be able to afford a maid that can deal with the clothes, the dishes, the dust bunnies? When will all of this hard, time-consuming work pay off? When, when, when!!!?
Sometimes I long for the days not so long ago- before I was consumed by my writing dreams. The days when I wrote for pleasure- to refresh my spirit after hours of washing and folding. The days when writing was not a chore.
I know that if I do ever reach my writing goals that I will be more overwhelmed than I am now- deadlines, negative critiques, fixing my hair before my Barnes and Noble book signing,- but at least I will have finally made it.
I guess I’m just overwhelmed and frustrated at the waiting. The cleaning, the writing, the waiting. Always the cleaning. Always the writing. Always the waiting.
The clothes are ready to be put in the dryer. On to the next task at hand.
Oh I feel you here! Only I’m not trying to get a book published but still, the chores, my real jibbity-job, the blog… so much to do yet so little time. I’m actually thinking of taking a small hiatus when I get the boot from Idol. I’m just done burnt out.
Burnt out-yes. And keep trudging on with BI, girl. You can do it!
Here’s the thing, I’m so much like you. I too want to be an “author”. I want to walk into a book store and grab my book off the shelf and take one of those stupid selfies and post it to FB with the caption, “here’s my book Biatches”. Until I started blogging it was a pipe dream. I had a flash drive full of stories but no one read them except me. I had received one to many rejection letters and gave up.Then one day I decided, it will happen when it’s my time for it to happen and not a moment before. God doesn’t put a dream in your heart that He’s not going to bring to fruition. Problem is, we are on His timetable and not ours. So don’t give up, set little goals for yourself. Mine was to have a post featured on BlogHer. I wrote for 3 months and no bites and then in one week they took 3 of my posts. YOU will get there. You will have your books published. Just believe and keep writing from the heart.
So so wise. Thanks so much for your comment. I know the Lord has put this *need* in me or I would have already given up. One thing-how’d you get published on BlogHer? I’m still waiting on my Huff Post blog to be published but no word from them in a few weeks. I hope they didn’t forget about me 🙁 thanks again!
On BlogHer once you create an account you have the option to create your own BlogHer blog. That was where I would post whatever I wrote that day. I had submitted my blog for advertising but they rejected it. They get a ton of blogs in our category so I could understand that, plus I’m pretty new. So anyway, I just kept posting my daily blog entries and then one day I got an email that they wanted to feature one of my posts. They featured two more after that.
maybe you need to get back to writing just for the enjoyment and not worry about “making it”. you will burn out and stop writing anything and that is probably what you don’t want to happen.
Perhaps so 🙂
You and me sister…. you and me both. I get every last word of this post. I am so so SO glad I came by to read this. Huff post is HUGE. But yes- I know your pain. It’s so freaking hard… and I have been there, stuck with the heaviness, all time consuming stress of it all- and for what? I often go “there” too. And yet- we must persevere… because we DON’T know what His Plan is…. we don’t know…So we MUST continue on this path because we believe God gave us a gift. And even though we aren’t making a penny from it- and we have no hope of being “noticed” (well- you do at huff) we have to trust that in time, something will happen.
I dream of being a PAID writer over at Proverbs 31. Wouldn’t that be SO FREAKING COOL!!! I don’t think I’m “christiany” enough though. So I want to be a paid writer at Babble, or Huff or hell ANYWHERE!!!! (Except porn. Won’t do it. Nope. lol)
Let me be the one to remind you- God has it all planned sister. Don’t give up. And do what I do sometimes when I am completely discouraged- just pull back a bit. And wait. And pray. Wait for the tide to take over again. It will. It always does in us. He will drive it for you. And when it does, find joy again in your gift. XOXO
I love this comment so much I would marry it if I could. I’m so thankful for our friendship and your encouragement!!!! And remember as for Proverbs 31- God doesn’t always call the qualified, but he qualifies the called. Amen!
I so get you here. Except I don’t have a clean house. Keep the faith. I’m betting on you.
Thanks, Christie. I always bet on you. Turd by Turd will be amazing 🙂
Why aren’t we doctors or something??? Sigh…..don’t let it get you down;)
Doctor would’ve been a less stressful occupation. 🙂 thanks!
I don’t have any words of wisdom except I get it. I really do.